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The other day I found a box of cards from another woman under the bed. Very romantic. Talking about true love and spending every Christmas together for the rest of their lives. He's adamant she is just a friend. A year ago he said he'd leave me if we didn't have therapy but at the time he was already seeing her. Not sure what to do. He left in February but said he might take me back. He's still in the family home spending time with me as normal. I've found so much evidence but he won't confess.

If you need more evidence get phone and bank account records.
He is a cake eater. Time to take control. You need to find out if the OW has a husband or partner and let them know. You have proof.
Also, see a lawyer.
More will be along and have better ideas.
I’m so sorry.

So why do you NEED a confession? You may want one (I totally would), But you have all the evidence you need- marriage is not.trial jury where you need to prove something without a doubt and convince a jury. He’s been cheating. He;s gaslighting you and wanted you to go to MC so he could claim he did everything he could for your M (except stop seeing his AP).

And why should he confess? What happens if he doesn’t? Nothing, it appears. He gets to have you and his AP if he doesn’t confess, so why confess to anything?

And he left the house. Does that not tell you enough?

I am so sorry you are going through this. But I think you need to consider him gone and start taking care of yourself.
See a lawyer or three. Get yourself in IC. Get STD testing.

And start detaching from him. You can’t R if he is already checked out, my friend. It is so hurtful I know. But you can get through this. You deserve better.

Thank you for the replies. I know you're right but part of me really needs to know how long this has been going on for. He's put me and our son through he'll with his moods this year and part of me feels I deserve answers.

I’m so sorry you’ve been placed in this position and you’re right, you do deserve answers. Nobody deserves to be cheated on or lied to or any of the other terrible behaviors that come with being betrayed. You deserved way more than he’s given you but unfortunately you can’t make him give you the truth. There are things you can do to encourage it but in the end, as cruddy as it is, he still is in control of what he discloses.

My advice, for what it’s worth, is to control what you can which is what you choose to do right now. You can set strong boundaries to protect yourself from further lies and betrayal, you can tell him what you need from him specifically, and lay out what will happen if he’s unwilling to do those things. This is so incredibly hard with all the emotions you’re feeling so take your time. And keep posting here. It helps to have a place to share and to get advice from those who’ve been there.

You do indeed deserve answers, but alas I don't know if you can get them. There's always so much we might never know when we find out these things and sometimes we have to learn to just accept that what we know is enough. I think finding a BOX of cards indicates a lot of correspondence, perhaps over a long time, between these two, and that it meant enough for him KEEP THEM. How stupid is that? He's been communicating romantically with someone else and actually kept a box of cards UNDER YOUR BED? Does he do things like that for stuff you've given him? I would bet not. I have to wonder if he meant you to find them at some point because.....well, I assume you're in the same bed, who doesn't look under the bed occasionally? It's not the most secure or creative hiding place. Obviously no one writes cards like this TO a "friend" and no one keeps these either. He kept them close to him in an area where he could perhaps access them quickly....in bed.

And he said he....MIGHT TAKE YOU BACK? Oh no, no no no, no, he's got that assbackwards. This guy is pretty deeply involved with this other woman and using her as tool against you....something for YOU to measure up to and jump through hoops because...he has an alternative. He has a CHOICE. What's your CHOICE? I think you should talk to a lawyer about divorce and find out more about THAT. Because this guy should not be dictating to you and you should not have romantic rivals hidden under the bed. That's bullshit.

Consider for yourself, what do YOU want out of this or any other relationship? What do you want YOUR life to be? How is he measuring up to THAT? Maybe YOU shouldn't take HIM "back". Go to a lawyer, find out your options, go over the financials, check the phone records, check his phone and computer if you can, GET AN STD TEST because you don't know what's REALLY been happening. She's not just a friend. Incidentally there's a book often recommended "Just a Friend" I think it's called, there are resources here on this site. Frankly, I'd just chuck this guy, too many people waste time and energy on recon. "might take you back" INDEED!

If you need more info, that's what you need to know, it sounds like he's willing to keep this going on with you in the dark indefinitely at least until he gets ready to leave if he wants to. You should not be waiting for another shoe to drop....go out and get info on your own about how to plan your life according to what YOU allow and want. Don't be under his thumb. That's what he's got right now....he's got her under the bed and you under his thumb. Neither is acceptable.

Thank you for the replies. I know you're right but part of me really needs to know how long this has been going on for. He's put me and our son through he'll with his moods this year and part of me feels I deserve answers.

I think this is part of their crazy making bullshit. They get us wrapped up in their drama, a lot of which they create AS drama, because this like this shit, it gives them reasons, excuses, excitement, they become the star of their own movie....it puts them in the boss's chair, they control everything....you get nothing. This is real narcissistic bullshit. So they make up these dramas with all these angles and sometimes they have props like these cards - I'm sure he left them there deliberately so you could find them - and this is to get you involved with the drama and he's the one pulling the strings. I'm sure he has an answer to EVERYTHING that happens or is said, and you always end up on the defensive or trying to "find things out".

Well, the only way to win this mind game, is stop asking and stop caring. You can't win this game. He'll always come up with more bullshit to bamboozle you. This is a tactic - even a strategy (meaning long term) of keeping someone else involved, but yet, on the defensive. You can't win this unless you think like this, and I bet you don't. You sound like a straightforward person to me, this guy is not. THE ONLY WAY TO WIN IS NOT TO PLAY. That really is true. Don't engage with this anymore. Accept that he's invested in this other person....he probably doesn't care about her EITHER (no, I don't believe he cares about you, sorry) and is just using YOU to bamboozle HER. You see, this works for in both ways. Maybe he could even write up a bunch of cards and show her what YOU wrote....yeah, twisted, right? Don't bother with this. Go to a lawyer, find a good one, do what he or she says, get an STD check, and plan your exit from his circus. Life will be much better on the other side. It's hell going through it, but once you do.....you will wonder why you stayed so long. It's because you're a good, decent, straightforward person.....he's not.