SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just to give backstory. My STBexH of 19 years had an EA with my best friend who was also neighbours 2.5 years ago (they did kiss but he keeps saying I didnt cheat). Her husband found the messages, and it was it was utter hell on earth; the shock made my hair fall out and I got mentally very poorly for some time. We tried MC for a year and to R but I spiralled as I never got the truth and he would blame me and the marriage. On Jan I asked him to leave which he did ad we both co parented well, but in the Oct I got a text message (the day of our wedding anniversary) saying they are now together. Almost one year on they are still together and its tough.

Slowly after lots of therapy and working on myself, I’m ok – I met new friends, I got fit, I went to college and I became a much better and happier person. Ive even fallen in love again with a most amazing kind man (but taking it slow)

What I’m struggling with now is the change in him. He is dismissive, selfish, has told so many untrue stories on me. He believes he did nothing wrong, says my new partner his OW 'are the same'. They both turn up to my house and sit on my drive when he collects my children (my eldest is really struggling with mental health at the moment) and Ive had mutual friend that we had now not speak to me but have accepted her and hang around her now, I did not have one message from any of them. This woman (and him) destroyed my life and my children’s world. He now says he wasn’t happy; there was many issues in our marriage and Im a narcissist which is why the marriage ended. Ivee had confirmation from my 2 therapists (I done CBT and EDMR) that Im not a Narc but HE s clearly a covert narc,

I keep my distance and I get on with my life. Ive asked him for nothing. We were happy, not perfect but all in all happy until his head was turned. He said he had depression (due to me). He also drank too much which he said wasn’t true it was me being controlling (they all say that don’t they), but recently he admitted Im not a narc and he did drink too much. No apology

His family, who Ive known for 19 years barley speak to me know, it’s like out with the old and in with the new (she is now around them getting invites to family events). It’s so hurtful and I’m finding that part really hard. I’m not local so they were my family for almost 20 years and at times a struggle as a single mum doing it all with no help.

I'm just basing reaching out to ask if others have found this? The rewriting history, the story telling, the family turning their back on you, friends who were part of your wedding now don’t speak to you…. when it was him that cheated!! I honestly don’t get it! How can he put a stranger (this is not her first affair) before his kid’s mental health and bring her BACK into their and my life after the damage and pain they caused. He watched me break! She called me sister! the 4 of us (her marriage ended too) would hang out all the time, and I was confiding in her daily as his mood swings were awful and all that time it was HER. He still says she did nothing wrong and was just being a good friend.

I know they deflect and its guilt and ego but still I’m finding it hard to just get my head around. I honestly dont get HOW people can do this and how family's support them

Any advice welcome.

[This message edited by Trix123 at 3:01 PM, Wednesday, July 15th]

It’s a tale as old as time Trix.

It’s common. My dad’s done this. Cheated on my mom a whole bunch and when he finally got caught ran off with the OW. He was a really devoted and loving father to me and my sisters. I know those two sentences don’t make sense next to each other, but it’s true. I have no doubt that he loved us with all his heart. But get this: a few years after his D, my big sister had a series of miscarriages. His OW (probably drunk) got on his email one night and sent her an email saying that the miscarriages were God’s punishment for being a bad person. When my sister confronted my dad (in hysterics) he genuinely had no idea what she was talking about. Went back and checked his emails and figured out what happened. Called her back and all he told her was that the email shouldn’t have been sent. No apology, nothing. Just that.

My theory is that it’s lashing out. They know. Your STBX knows he’s the bad guy, but they just can’t accept it. They have to do what-abouts they have to try to manipulate perception because the alternative - i.e., the truth - is too much for them. Dad knows he shredded his life for a psycho. But what’s he going to do now? He can’t admit it, and too much damage has been done for him to even try to fix it. He’ll never face the fact that his new relationship was born in deceit and the fantasy was never real. It’s easier to pretend it’s true love.

My advice is don’t get down in the mud with the pigs. Friends who’ve turned their backs to you have shown their true colors. Count their loss as a blessing in disguise.

Just live life trying to be a person you can admire. Life your life properly, with integrity and class and dignity. The things you’ve done while going through all this are amazing! College, new friends, a new love, and getting fit? While being a single mom? You’re like a super-hero. Continue to do yourself proud - people will notice. I promise your children will.

Thank you ever so much for this Letmebefrank. This is the helpful info that I need, sometimes I think it's just me and is he right!? I was lied to and gaslit for so long it's hard for your brain to work the truth out.

He was (I think) a good kind loyal man for 17 years, but now he is bitter, angry, resentful, sleazy and what feels like hate towards me.

He will continue to blame me and our marriage forever; he will never speak badly of her or blame them or apologise for not just the affair but the emotional abuse after. I don't know if she changed him (as I said this is not her first affair) or it was the guilt that made him 'depressed' or if he has ALWAYS been like this and I just didn't see it. I put him on such a pedestal and he frequently used to say you don't fix me anymore as you are too strong. I never could work out what he meant by that - but now I see him feeling threatened as Im loyal, kind, decent and yes bloody strong. No way could he have coped if I had done this to him.

Im sorry for your dad, these men are so weak. and I hope your sister is ok x

The blood is thicker than water thing does seem to apply often. Some of my XWS’ family "kept" me, but that was mostly because my XWS lied and deceived them during his A as well. His immediate family kept lightly in touch with me for a while, but within a couple of years, I no longer even got a Christmas card. 🤷‍♀️. His brother and SIL went NC/LC with both of us. Some close friends also stayed friends with my XWS- including one whose wife had an A with his best friend. That one surprised me.

Family just gets a different pass. We can’t control anyone else, so we just choose who we want to be around and go forward. It is weird and unfortunate, but the ripples of infidelity go wide.

As for your XWS rewriting history - totally common. The very character flaws that allowed them to cheat also compel them to not look to close at what they have done. They have to do all the mental gymnastics to make themselves out to be the victim, the good guy, it wasn’t their fault, they had no choice. They also often stay with the AP because they cannot face admitting they were wrong or that it was a waste. They chose their path and they commit to it fully, whether or not it’s a good or healthy path. And if they see you as good and kind, well, that doesn’t fit the narrative they are making up for their story. You have to be the bad guy.

So just remember - not your monkey, not your circus. Keep doing you, taking care of your kids, and moving forward. Let him be a crappy person.

Are you in IC? It might help you let go of the frustration and focus on your new beginnings.

(And congrats on getting out of infidelity and moving forward!!)

Im loyal, kind, decent and yes bloody strong

Exactly! He sees you and realizes that you’re all the things he is not. So he tries to undermine you.

My sister’s fine, thank you! This all happened 15 years ago. She did manage to get pregnant again and had their 3rd child, the girl they’d been hoping for. All’s well.

One of the most interesting things that I have found out about people through the years is that they can do such a good job of hiding behind a mask. Good, genuine people might tell you they’re sorry about his behavior and wish that you all could have remained closer, but they are going to accept the new woman. They can do it in a kind way so that you don’t feel abandoned. If you have an ex who continually badmouths you, it’s not on you. It’s on him. His mask fell off his face and now you see the real him and aren’t you glad you don’t live with him anymore. You have a new life so you need to look forward to it and literally shut the door on that ex and his family and any friends that turned on you. Their mask was always just that a mask. You can have a really wonderful life. If you just never pay again any attention to what your ex says. Don’t read it, don’t listen to it. Don’t pay any attention to it. His mouth can run all it wants to. It doesn’t mean a thing to you anymore. Just act like he was a piece of crap that you had to step on two or three times and finally just wiped your feet on the grass and got rid of. He’s not worth a single day of worry… in fact he’s not even worth a minute of worry. Keep your eye on the prize. It’s your new life.

The ones who want to keep your STBWX in their lives (friends, family) are probably feeling awkward and (deep down) ashamed about what he did to you, so they also protect their egos by distancing themselves from you. I'm sure it hurts tremendously for you to lose those relationships along with your marriage. You're mourning the loss of an entire life that you'd built and expected to keep for many more years.

Allow yourself the space to grieve and be angry at their behavior for a little while, then do your best to forget them. They've chosen him over you. My former in-laws haven't spoken to me since January. I used to be the one sending birthday greetings and making sure our kid did the same for her grandparents, but I won't be bothering anymore. The only one I'm still in touch with is former sister-in-law, who has made an effort to stay in touch. We've always been fairly close (neither of us grew up with a sister, and we like each other), and I'll keep that door open as long as she does.

As for friends, the mutuals who have ghosted you were never truly your friends to begin with. I've had a few that were always more his friends than mine, and they've cut me off. The other mutuals are doing their best with an awkward situation.

Cherish the people who have shown you that they care about you. Ignore whatever crap he says - his words are not to be trusted nor taken seriously. I'm so glad you're doing okay most days and have moved forward with your life! It will get easier to let go of his nonsense (and his family and his friends) as time goes on.

Please don’t accept a liar and a cheater to ever admit anything was their fault.

Your husband (former husband) is angry and bitter and resentful and appears to be somewhat unhappy. Maybe his life is not so great now that he’s with your former friend.

Often times the affair partner couple unites against the former spouses as a way of bonding and cementing their relationship. I hope you will remember that relationships and marriages that started as affairs most often either don’t last or one part of that couple is very unhappy. Remember, they met as cheaters so there is an inherent element of distrust that is already built into their relationship. I wouldn’t want to live that way —would you?

I always believe in these types of marriages or relationships that it’s just a matter of time before one of the people cheat.

Your husband (former husband) is angry and bitter and resentful and appears to be somewhat unhappy. Maybe his life is not so great now that he’s with your former friend.

You can live through this kind of experience, you can spend years trying to understand.

You learn a lot, you read of others, you feel at some point you seen it all…

And yet I am still amazed just how much a simple sentence like this still feels so unreal.

Husband. Together. With your friend.

Think how hard as you might, empathy as far as you can. I still feel like there is no reason for this to ever make sense.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 8:13 AM, Thursday, July 16th]

This is the 'problem' backfromthestorm, I just can’t get my head around:

Why - two people that I loved dearly could gaslight, lie, cheat and hurt us so badly

Why - a woman could come into my home daily as I was confiding in her with the changes in his behaviour (silent treatment, lying, telling me I was an abuser, no intimacy, bullying; it was horrific) and telling her Id didn’t know what Id done wrong (I blamed myself) when she KNEW. And to this day even now he says she didnt do anything wrong and was just being a good friend (even when he can villianise the mother of his kids so easily)

Why – he also knew she was talking to me and let me hang around with her and also continued to hang out with her kids and husband

WHY - he watched our joint MC confirming that finding out had given me PTSD. Watch my hair fall out, watch me lose 2 stone, watch me develop a shake down 1 side with stress, watch me break like nothing Id ever done before, watch be cry and turn his back to me. Utterly zero empthay

WHY - After all that, they just didn’t walk away saying we have caused enough pain, that they got together knowing the shock could once again break me ( it didn’t – at all)

why - put a stranger before his children’s mental health

why - tell stories and continue to talk badly of me that aren’t true to his family and friends knowing they to have turned their back on me

why – and lately turn up with her in the car beside my home, my safe space. My eldest safe space who is really suffering (again, not his fault as my sons issues is nothing to do with that he has done - still cant admit what he has done)

Im ok – Im stronger than Ive ever been, Im happy, I see him as pathetic, creepy, cowardly, and sleazy. They both are and welcome to each other. But I still can’t get my head around the WHY and HOW.

What is wrong with these people?

Im sorry you are going this too NoThanksForTheMemories. Like you I have tried, for 17 months, but there gets to a point when you silently need walk away. I've blocked all social now as they were watching what I did, and I wont give any more effort apart from, like you, one sister in law also (who find its hard as her husband is very much on his brothers side). We should be proud that we tried and proud that we kept our boundaries by saying Im out which Id never done that previously ( I had no boudaries). See we are strong!, and even in a sea of sadness we can still be decent humans

Thank you so much for the above - is comforting to know Im not tat went thought this hell but also really sad that this seems to be common

[This message edited by Trix123 at 10:49 AM, Thursday, July 16th]

Sister I could tell you all we talk about from the point of empathy, understanding and psychology.

There are reasons why, or rather than reason there are roots in how, more than why. But in a detached kind of way, we can understand.

Truth is, no matter how much we try, no matter the empathy and compassion we may feel (at least if our wayward is remorseful to a degree), I don’t know if we can ever make sense of it all.

Emotionally it’s still unreal.

I’m sorry you were treated so terribly. If a person wants to end the marriage, just END IT!! No one is forcing them to stay — they have a choice.

But to play mind games and screw people over - that’s a whole new level of evil.

I’m sorry you had to be so mistreated like that. Unfortunately I learned at an early age that many women will go after your BF while pretending to be your BFF.

I had one "friend" hang on for 4 years pretending to be my friend b/c she was madly in love with my H. Stupid as I was I kept her around b/c I wasn’t threatened. I actually thought it was funny.

Until she turned on me.

I’m sorry you met with evil but you are not the first to be in this position. But you will survive it. We all do. Just know it was never YOU that was the problem.

And now you have the good fortune of knowing that your XH is with your XBFF. And she’s so stupid (after witnessing his behavior) to think he’s Mr. Wonderful and the love of her life.

ROFLMAO ! It will come around to bite her in the butt. Because relationships that start as affairs have a very low success rate. But you already knew that