SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Gosh where to start?!

DD was last January when I received a text out of the blue fron the OW informing me she had had an affair with my husband. Later found out from my WH and OBS it was 12 years ago for two years mainly sexting with 6 hookups.

Since then we have both done therapy and I am just finishing up with EMDR. My husband has never blamed me, admitted all the sordid details within a couple of days and has tried his best at reconciliation as have I.

Things are generally good and I can see he has changed for the better. I understand why it happened and accept that it happened but I still struggle to accept that this is now my life if that makes sense.

I have recently been diagnosed AuDHD which makes complete sense and I struggle so much with black and white thinking and justice sensitivity. On DD my husband, my mother and my teenage sons all said I would never get over this and I think they are right.

Every 2 weeks or so the injustice of it all bubbles up and whilst I don't throw nasty words at my husband anymore, I do still push him to admit he was weak, selfish etc even though he has admitted that a thousand times. It's like I'm stuck on a loop. I also have a push pull dynamic with my husband where one minute I want him close and the next minute I struggle to kiss/hug him without cringing internally.

I think therapy has helped me understand the how and why, accept it was not my fault and know my worth but in a way that just makes me more angry that I am living a life I didn't choose because my of my husband's weakness!

Is it time to admit that reconciliation is going against every moral fibre in my body and I am going to constantly be stuck with cognitive dissonance if I stay with my husband?

But if I leave I lose the man I love, my best friend and my support partner. The one who helps me regulate after a bad day at work, who takes on the admin and household chores to prevent me burning out and my sole support system. I worry I won't cope without him, that I will dwell on what could have been and that I would be going against my core beliefs of forgiveness, second chances and reconciliation.

I really feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and sometimes feel the only thing that keeps me going is knowing I have to live for my boys so I don't add more trauma to their lives 😔

Any advice welcome.

[This message edited by Evio at 11:15 AM, Monday, August 31st]

You don’t have to decide now.

The first year after DDay (or two years, in my case), are a roller coaster of emotions, and it can be really hard to figure out what you actually want.

Infidelity is always a deal breaker, in my opinion, and it can take a while to discern whether you want a new deal. If your husband is genuinely remorseful and putting in the work to repair, and if the relationship has enough positives that you feel ambivalent about ending it, you can give yourself more time to find your emotional center and come to peace about what path forward works for you.

In the meantime, work on yourself. You absolutely CAN cope without him—don’t let that fear keep you in a relationship. One thing that helped me get my bearings after DDay was to figure out exactly how I would live and make it in my own without my husband. Building that confidence in myself and having a workable life plan apart from him gave me the space to make a genuine choice to reconcile rather than choosing it out of fear of the unknown.

Hugs to you. It’s a journey I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but you’ll find your way through.

Thank you for your reply grieving. I know physically I would cope, my therapist has shown me that I have coped with every bit of shit I have experienced from a young age. I even managed to complete my masters degree despite DD falling smack bang in the middle of it. But I know my analytical mind will will struggle with the what ifs. My mind usually feels on things until something worse comes along to replace it and I really don't want anything worse than infidelity to happen to me.

I am trying to throw myself into thinking about other things but can't find anything to occupy my mind.

I've read through some of your previous posts and notice you went through similar emotions to me...loving your husband but struggling with feeling in love with him. Can I ask how you feel now? I think this is my fear, our marriage and reconciliation is good but the in love feeling comes and goes and I'm scared to start moving on and being vulnerable with him again as I'm still grieving the fairy tale love story I thought we had