SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There are many BSes here that have reached your stage in the process who have gone so far as to invest in a voice activated recorder to protect themselves from delusional allegations. I am not saying your wife would do it out of maliciousness, but the human mind goes to great lengths to keep being the hero in their own story.

I have more thoughts OP, but I must admit the fact that you had a "work wife" troubles me. It may even make you a mad-hatter.

I don't get calling anyone else your wife, even w the adjective "work" put in front of it.

ETA: I may have been off in my last post, in that this woman you work with, is not actually your "work wife". (I am sorry but the phrase "work wife" seriously gets up my cackles up. Especially since so many affairs start at work. It's NOT a cute or an innocent phrase at all.)

I think a lot more happened between your WW and POS other man. I do hope you keep moving towards Divorce as you have been doing.

My wife started calling her my work wife around the same time she started calling AP her work husband (and their affair started). I’ve been reading the Not Just Friends and other similar books, and regarding me and the woman I work with, no lines have been crossed or, really, even approached within a mile.

It sounds like your wife is not ready for reconciliation. I believe real reconciliation requires truth.

If she is truly interested have her re read "How to Help Your Spouse ..."

She created this mess, she needs to step up and take responsibility for her actions.

I still think you should have a conversation with the OBS, if she’s up for it. I get the feeling she’s been told a ‘lite’ version of events. Probably far less than you already know about.

Thank you for clarifying, @AllThatJazz.

Friend, you are right now living with the Evil Shrew-Lady. The question you ought to be asking yourself is how the hell do you get yourself out of this. I'd lawyer-up if I were you.

The good news is that you have nothing to reconcile with. Trust me, the should I/shouldn’t I dilemma will eat you alive. You have nothing to work with.

I do think that if the boyfriend’s wife was told then it’s the right thing to do to text her and say let’s get coffee. You two have some level of interpersonal relationship and running with full transparency and ethics is who you need to be.

I waited five months before I told the wife of my wife's AP and I regret waiting so long. I was scared and didn't know which way was up, scared to do anything that would upset my wife. Selfish of me IMO.

In hindsight I am relieved I told her. She deserved to know.

Your wife is attempting to protect herself. Oh well. Affairs have consequences. I would tell

I was lucky.
I didn't have to tell the other BS.
The AP was fired and lost everything, medical insurance, retirement, everything.
He's the one who had to explained it to his pregnant wife why it's all gone.

AllThatJazz:

Time to cut through her bs... contact and consult with at least 3-4 family law attorneys and gain their insight as to what a divorce entails in your state. You know your WW best as to how she would react if you told her you will be contacting attorneys, so it's your call as to whether to inform her of your actions. Do what is in your best interest. I would advise you not too.

Since she's not giving you anything to work with, start talking to your wife about possible custodial plans and asset division (sell the house and split proceeds vs. one party buys the other out..etc.) I think your WW is trying to wait you out, allow rugsweeping to kick in (her thinking- you got your rocks off with your month-long fling, we're both at fault, equally, here yada yada yada) and she just has to weather this out and hope for the best with AP & OBS that it doesn't publicly explode.

It's not 'real' to her yet. Since she has disrespected and abused you the past 8 years, why should she change? Disabuse her of this notion, start letting her know you are planning to be free of her but you want to keep it amicable for the kids and the future graduations/weddings/funerals you may see each other at.

Maybe she changes, maybe you both can save this... just remember what you are trying to save... a relationship where she disrespected you for close to a decade.. do you really want to 'save' that?