SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey everyone, I’m newly finding myself here and looking for some perspective and blunt truth from veterans who have walked this road.

Some back story, WW and I have been together for 7 years, married for 1.5. No kids.

The situation has unfolded fast. Since discovery, there has been zero remorse, zero accountability, and complete emotional detachment. Instead of facing what happened, she packed up, moved out, filed for D, and has essentially alienated/cut herself off from her own family as well, all within one week.

Deep down, I want R. I took my vows seriously and would be willing to do the heavy lifting if there was a path forward.

I'm doing my best to implement the 180 and protect myself legally and emotionally, but it’s tough when you're watching the person you love burn down their own life and marriage while you still hold out hope they’ll snap out of it.

For those who’ve been here:

Has anyone had a WW who filed for D, showed zero remorse, and isolated from family ever actually "wake up" before the decree was final?

If she is dead-set on D right now, is total detachment (strict 180 / Grey Rock) my only move to preserve my own sanity—and does that ever actually break the fog, or do I just need to accept that R is dead?

[This message edited by hwc308 at 1:05 PM, Thursday, October 15th]

No accountability and no remorse makes reconciliation impossible. For now keep up the 180 and consult with a lawyer if you haven’t already done so.

There is a possibility you can introduce a little reality into her fantasy world. Do you know who her affair partner is? If he’s married or has a girlfriend find her and let her know about the affair. Most likely he’s just enjoying the no strings attached sex, not looking to lose half his shit and go 50/50 with the kids. If your WW was planning on riding off into the sunset having her AP drop her like she’s caught fire could be an educational moment.

Also if they’re coworkers does she report to him or are they in a field where personal integrity or public perception are a concern? If you have proof (legally obtained and legal to share, again consult a lawyer) a call to HR could leave him scrambling to salvage his career.

Or is he even aware she’s married? Wouldn’t be the first case of an affair partner finding that he’s the side piece and his perfect new girlfriend has been "cheating" on him. With her husband.

To be straightforward, this is aimed at stopping the affair and burning down any fantasies she has about living happily ever after with asshole prince charming. But it doesn’t guarantee she will turn back toward you and the marriage.

Think about what you want and what is possible. Right now she wants out of the marriage and that gives you a window for more favorable divorce terms.

I have met the AP, and he is aware that we are married. There is a lady at our church who knows this guy, and this is not the first time he has done stuff like this(inserting himself into other relationships). I believe WW is aware of his tendencies. They do not work together, but they coach color guard together, and it seems everyone in that group is supportive of them.

It seems like I have done everything I can to get it to blow up on her, but neither of them care. She used to teach at church on Wednesdays, she's been kick out of teaching. Her sister used to coach and hangout with her all the time, and they are now NC between them (or any of her family other than her father).

Not sure what I'm supposed to do other than sit and wait/work on myself.

If she’s embracing a true love mentality to justify her infidelity she’s intentionally leaving herself no choice. She’s burning the ship and marching into the wilderness. You’re best served getting out with as little financial damage possible while she’s convinced that her city of gold is just over the next hill.

The reality is their relationship probably won’t last. She’s a cheater and he’s a scumbag. But hoping she comes to her senses isn’t a plan for you moving forward.

And you should be moving forward, out of infidelity. She has no intention of reconciling so that leaves divorce as your only path out.

Stop waiting. There is nothing to wait for.
The person you are holding out hope for—the one who honored vows, valued her family, and loved you with integrity—does not exist. Maybe she never did, or maybe she hid who she really was until now, but the person today is showing you exactly who she is: a woman who cheated, blew up her family, walked away without a shred of remorse, and filed to end your marriage. Believe her actions.
You cannot love someone back into having character, and you cannot reconcile with a ghost. R requires two willing partners doing brutal, humble work. She isn't just unwilling; she has already quit.
Shift every ounce of energy from trying to manage her or waiting for her to "wake up" to protecting yourself. Get your own attorney, take advantage of her rush to exit so you get the cleanest financial split possible, lock down strict No Contact, and grieve the loss of the marriage. It is already dead. The only thing left to decide is how quickly you step out of the wreckage and start rebuilding your own life.

Not sure what I'm supposed to do other than sit and wait/work on myself.

Work on yourself, absolutely. If you’re not already, see a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma. It really does help. Frankly, you don’t need the 180 or the Grey Rock. You can go NC. You don’t have kids. Let the lawyers deal with the details of the D.

Sit and wait? No sir. What are you waiting for, she moved out and filed for D. You need a lawyer if you don’t already have one (which it sounds like you do). The advice you already got is spot on.

I hope you will one day see this as a blessing in disguise. Remember: NC = no new hurts.

She is not coming back to you any time soon for the right reason. As in she realizes she’s made a mistake, wants to Reconcile and has deep remorse and is willing to do anything to make amends.

However when this new guy gets bored and cheats on her (which seems to be his pattern) she may come knocking on your door because you are her safety net and she has nowhere else to go. She will swear her undying love and beg for another chance.

Most likely by then it will be too late.

Knowing your wife right now has fled the scene of the crime and has ghosted everyone is very telling. She KNOWS people don’t support this so she has chosen to circle the wagons and only let people who agree with this "new life" she has chosen to remain in contact.

Your only option is to protect yourself emotionally, legally and financially.