Triggers
I'm reading the excellent post titled "Things that every WS needs to know" in the WS section and am going to have my WW read it as well when she gets home from work.
I just got to the triggers section. I do have many of them, but one in particular is a difficult situation. I'll start by saying my wife has intentionally been avoiding this trigger for the past several weeks (d day was about 6 weeks ago), and while I appreciate it, it's something we're going to have to deal with sooner or later. On d day my wife was supposed to be spending the night at her best friend's house whose husband is wheelchair bound. Her friend had had just gotten out of the hospital, and "needed some help" with general household stuff, cooking dinner, etc,hence my wife "staying the night there" to help her out. She lives just a couple of miles away.
My wife is driving restricted right now due to having a seizure last October, so I've been doing all of the driving. She has epilepsy, but it's mostly under control with meds. I dropped her off at her friend's place, she hung out for about an hour, then met up with her AP to spend the night with him. He lives fairly close to her friend's house so she actually just walked there. She wasn't answering my texts or phone calls, so long story short, I drove to her friend's house to see what was up, got the truth from her friend about where she was, drove there and confronted her. That was officially d day.
This is her best friend, and it's been pretty routine for a few years for my WW to hang out with her, at her place, for a couple of hours in the evenings, a couple of days a week, then come home in time for dinner. Obviously I'm having issues with her going there at all anymore, and she knows this. It was quite a kick in the balls to realize that I GAVE HER A RIDE TO HAVE A PA WITH HER AP!! She has however, stopped going there to visit, and she hasn't complained or tried to make me feel bad about it. On her own, she just stopped asking to go there, which is a great relief for me. This is her best friend, tho, and I'm dreading the day when she asks to go there again. Like I said, she's been avoiding even bringing it up for my sake, but it is her best friend. Am I wrong for feeling guilty that she's cut off her visits? Am I wrong for not wanting her to go there? What do I say if or when she brings it up and wants to see her friend again? I already know it's going to drive me up the wall. I don't know them very well, so me going with her would be awkward and weird. I'd basically be just inviting myself if I did.
The affair was short lived, and she wasn't meeting up with her AP from her friend's place this entire time. The messages and communication between my WW and AP only started at the beginning of March, and the PA had only been happening for 2 weeks in April before I discovered it. It was just happenstance that he lived within walking distance of her friend's place. Her friend knew what she was doing, tho, and she knew my WW was using her as a cover story. She did try to cover for my WW at first when I went there, but she did end up coming clean to me. Told me who it was and where he lived. I dunno man. I think it'd be better for me if she just ended the friendship altogether, but they've been friends for several years and really are besties. I appreciate that my WW has volunteered to stop going there, but I know she misses her bestie. It's a huge trigger for me tho. It's a weird situation.
1 comment posted: Saturday, May 24th, 2025
D-Day Was About 4 Weeks Ago...
My wife and I will be married for 27 years this coming June. I found out she had an affair with a co worker a few weeks ago. It had been going on for a couple of weeks before I caught her. I haven't talked to anyone about it, and have been carrying this huge burden for the past few weeks by myself, so this might be a lengthy post. Before I get into it, there are some unique circumstances that are factors in how I've been handling my wife and the affair. We're currently still together and living together.
My wife suffered a severe head injury when she was a baby. This has left her with epilepsy (mostly under control with meds) and a very mild learning disability. She has always had difficulty with empathy, processing consequences, and abstract thinking. This is important because it presents some challenges and also explains some of her behavior leading to, after I found out about the affair, and her current attitude and remorse right now. It took more time than it should have for her to understand the gravity of the situation.
I do have hope that we can salvage our marriage, am convinced she wants to also, and that she's committed to never letting this happen again. She's taken full responsibility for her part, no longer blames me, and has spent a lot of time and effort trying to make up for it and convince me that she deeply regrets what happened. I know she still loves me, and I still love her, but I'm suffering a lot of trauma right now. I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts and images, and keep reliving d-day over and over.
First, my part in this. I had a mental breakdown several years ago. I withdrew from everyone, including my wife and son who is 26 years old and on his own now. I started taking an SSRI, which helped with my anxiety, but also made me very emotionally flat and disconnected. It also completely killed my sex drive. We had a loveless, sexless marriage for several years with no intimacy whatsoever. I pushed everyone away, fell into a deep depression, and stopped taking care of myself. She didn't have a husband. This went on for many years. Many marriages would have ended at that point, but she stuck it out with me. I'll always be grateful for that. All that said, I know, and she knows it's no excuse for Infidelity. I'm not allowing her to use it as a get out of jail free card, and she's not trying to. What she did was unforgivable and she knows and agrees with that.
When I discovered it, her actions that night were pretty devastating. I don't know how much detail I should go into. Her actions and words that night were downright cruel, but her actions and words are a complete 180 now that she's had time to process it all, and the challenges navigating her disability have made this very unique, difficult, and complicated. I suppose I'll start with where we are now.
She's showing genuine remorse and guilt over it. Crying a lot and asking forgiveness. Apologizing over and over. Accepting full responsibility. She's allowed me access to all of her devices and messages. She knows I know her pass code and she hasn't changed it. She leaves her tablet out in the open and isn't trying to hide anything anymore. At least to my knowledge, but I'm pretty convinced. Her disability makes her a pretty terrible liar, and she's pretty bad at deception. Otherwise I might not have discovered the affair to begin with. I knew something wasn't right almost immediately. She sent a no contact message to her AP and showed it to me. She's blocked his number and profile on her phone and socials. She now refers to him as a "dirtbag."
Oddly, despite it all, our intimacy and relationship has been rekindled. Well, that's not quite right. Something new has been kindled. Once we got past that first couple of weeks of grief, arguing and fighting, my first steps toward divorce, and in between my bouts of reliving d-day and intrusive thoughts, we're closer and more open than we have ever been. We're getting intimate daily now, after several years of no intimacy at all. We're spending a lot of time just talking. In ways we never did before. 5 hour long conversations with no distractions. No tv, no devices, just the 2 of us lying on the couch together. She's being very patient with me. Listening to me. Accepting my anger and grief and answering my many questions. She doesn't blame me or the marriage at all, despite the fact that it has been a rocky marriage and my breakdown. She appears to be very transparent now, tho she wasn't at first.
There's so much more to this complicated story, but this post is already getting pretty long. There are some pretty negative things that have happened since I discovered the affair, and a TON of red flags, but she's since admitted to a lot, and has put a lot of effort into being very transparent now and trying to make amends. She's saying and doing a lot of the right things right now. I'm obviously still very devastated, tho, having some major trust issues, PTSD-like symptoms, and wrestling with what to do and where to go next. 27 years is a long time and this has never happened before. I've told almost no one, and at that, I haven't told anyone everything, so I've been bearing this by myself for weeks now, so it's nice to have an outlet.
I'm open to advice and answering questions. I know... I KNOW everyone says this, I know they do, but we do have a very unique situation, and I believe we're going to be an exception to the general rule. I know for a fact that she does deeply regret this, and that she still deeply loves me. I did hurt her. I recognize that, and take ownership for it. I've apologized and made drastic changes. Like I said tho, I'm not allowing her to lean on that or use it as an excuse for having an affair. She accepts that, and is not using it as an excuse. She acknowledges it's no excuse. She acknowledges that she messed up badly and wishes she could take it back.
23 comments posted: Thursday, May 22nd, 2025
