Thought I was okay...

Hi all. I'm very grateful for this platform. Here's my sad tale of woe. Any useful insights would be much appreciated. My wife and I have been married for 35 years. We married young (21) and 10 years into our marriage she had an affair with my best friend. At the time, we were involved in some rather unusual activities with him and his wife (I guess it was close to swinging - don't judge, we were young and stupid). Partly for this reason - blurred boundaries - but also because I loved my wife madly and we had two young kids, I made the decision to reconcile. And it worked. I had a plan. I told no one except a therapist, because I knew that would put strain on our relationship down the line, and I told myself it was only sex. Was that reason enough to ruin an otherwise happy union. In fact, in a weird way, her infidelity helped me to overcome some of my own issues with self esteem, trust, etc. I know it's strange, but once I got over the initial hurt, I felt pretty liberated - after all the worst that could have happened had happened, and we worked through it. Now comes the odd part. Fast forward 20+ years, and I've had a series of dreams in which people tell me my wife has been flirting or sleeping with other men. I wake up hurt all over and I find it difficult to relate to her for a day or two. It's unfair on her, because she knows something is off, but I feel stupid telling her. Also, these dreams have awakened in me suspicions from long ago about a few other moments, where I am now fairly sure there were 'things' going on. For example, before the affair, I was recovering from an operation and she and a friend went to a club that we often frequented together. She had always been a little flirty with the barman, but it was all in fun. They never came home until 6am the next day. I couldn't reach her on her mobile phone. And I eventually went looking for them and passed them on their way home. I was so angry about being ghosted that I never considered that anything else could have happened - until now. She always said they sat around drinking and chatting with some people int he club and lost track of time. I'm no longer sure that's the case. There are a few other similar stories over the years - all before the affair. And now, despite my best efforts, I'm angry all the time. Still not even about the actual affair, but at what else she could have kept from me all these years. I know if I ask her, she'll deny everything. So I keep it bottled up and try to push it down. It's no way to conduct a relationship, I know. But I still love her and I still want to grow old with her. Am I being stupid? Any thoughts on a constructive way to deal with this? If I really love her and am committed to our reconciliation, should I find a way of putting keeping the distant past in the distant past? Thanks for humouring me.

5 comments posted: Saturday, May 24th, 2025