Setback

Twelve months after D-Day, I was feeling hopeful. I was sleeping through the night again and finally starting to feel more like myself. My WH was loving, open, transparent, supportive, and compassionate. I could see how seriously he was taking his own recovery and the work he needed to do. I was beginning to believe we actually had a chance, even though I knew we still had a long road ahead.

Then, within just a few weeks, everything completely flipped upside down, and now I'm seriously thinking about leaving.

What happened?

We had an argument where he said things that made me feel like he was distancing himself from everything positive he'd been doing over the past year. At a friend's party, he'd stayed by my side all evening without me asking him to. But during the argument, he threw it back at me by saying, "I spent the whole night following you around." The way he said it made it sound like I'd had him on a leash, dragging him around to humiliate him.

That fight started a downward spiral. He said things like, "So am I supposed to spend the next 20 years in jail?" (even though I've always told him I don't want to spend my life policing him because that's no foundation for a relationship). Or, "I guess I have to erase who I am completely before you'll ever be happy," when I tried to explain how certain behaviors affect me.

I just can't reconcile these two versions of him: the man I saw during those first twelve months, and this complete 180 over the last two weeks.

The pattern between us is always the same. My internal alarm system gets triggered, for example, because he decided not to tell me something right away. He feels controlled. I try to explain what I'm feeling. What he hears is that he can never do anything right, and he responds with irritation or even anger. I end up feeling alone with my pain, while he feels trapped. No matter what happens, we both end up feeling completely alone. We barely speak or touch anymore.

His IC is currently on hold at his therapist's recommendation because they're planning to transition him into a group therapy program starting in September. We've talked about restarting couples therapy, but the earliest appointment we can get isn't until mid-August.

I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to make it until then.

I am feeling so drained that I don't even have the emotional capacity to deal with the smallest conflicts anymore (although I am still in IC). This has set me back so much, especially after all the progress we'd made together.

I keep reading here that R is a roller coaster, but this feels so much deeper than just another low point. Right now, I honestly don't know if we're going to be able to find our way out of this valley.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Is this really the kind of setback one must expect...?

8 comments posted: Friday, July 17th, 2026

How to deal with social accounts

How do you handle social media? My WH used to be really active, especially on Instagram. On Facebook Messenger, he had a chat with a woman he’d had something going on with in the past (before our time), but that conversation was inappropriate too. He’s since deleted his Facebook account, but I agreed that he could keep his Instagram for now because he’s part of a community there through his hobby.

However, I don’t want him following random women he doesn’t even know. That really upset him. His logic was that I could just look through his phone and see he’s not actually in contact with any of them anyway.

How do you deal with this?

16 comments posted: Monday, June 29th, 2026

One year after

One year since discovery. When my therapist told me about two weeks later that I should let a year pass before deciding whether to stay or leave, my first thought was: There’s no way I can endure this pain for that long. And yet — I’m still here.

A year ago, I literally found the smoking gun — a romantic voice message the OW had recorded for my WH for Christmas. A nightmare lasting 7 minutes and 46 seconds that stripped me — only 20 months after our wedding — of every illusion I may have had.

My WH was away on a business trip that day and immediately found somewhere else to stay. It would take another eight months before he returned to our shared home.

I experienced everything that others here describe too: admitting only what could no longer be denied, destroying evidence, trickle truth…

What helped me enormously — and I’m not saying this applies universally — was:

* complete no-contact with the OW

* we both started individual therapy very quickly (psychodynamic therapy for him, to get to the root causes)

* his credible assurance that the OW had never been in our house; by finding another place to stay himself, our home was able to remain my safe space

* toward the end of the first two weeks, new details came to light; after I told him I could not continue under those circumstances, he finally came completely clean; to this day, nothing else has surfaced

* he answered every question I had — all the disturbing details I needed

* full transparency about his whereabouts, open phone, open social media accounts; after three months, the OW contacted him again, and he showed me immediately and coordinated his response with me

* he withdrew from every social group in which we used to spend time together with the OW

* no one-on-one meetings with women (only in the presence of a third person)

* he left it to me to decide when, where, and how often I wanted contact with him during the first weeks and months

* I shared my story with everyone from whom I hoped to receive support

* he took it upon himself to inform our mutual friends

* since he moved back into our house, I have had my own room where I can retreat whenever things become too overwhelming for me

* we signed a postnuptial agreement and agreed to a waiver of inheritance rights

And most importantly:

He is doing the work for himself and on himself (not for me and not for the OW); that is my best safeguard. And I can see that he is trying out new behaviors that are having a positive effect on our relationship and the way we interact with each other

So yes, D-day was sad. But I feel that this event stripped me down to the core of who I am. And that resilient core will endure — no matter what happens. In therapy, I’ve learned a great deal about myself, about my own behavioral patterns in relationships, and how they have harmed me.

A long road lies ahead of us. Trauma takes a long time to heal. But intense flashbacks and dark days are also interspersed with new, good moments. And as long as that remains the case, I am giving us a chance.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, May 20th, 2026

First DDay anniversary

I already posted about the DD anniversary a while ago. But now the date is getting closer, and so is another one: the day right after DD is our anniversary (not our wedding anniversary, but the day we used to celebrate before we got married).

My WH was apparently hoping we’d spend that day together - create a new good memory. I understand that he wants to build on the good times. He wants us to reconnect with the better parts of our story.

But I can’t go through hell again on DD and then "celebrate us" the very next day. I’ve made plans for both days and I’ll be traveling alone.

One more thing I want to add: my WH is doing everything he can to help me feel safe again. He’s in therapy, completely transparent, and his behavior has changed a lot.

Does anyone have thoughts or experiences around relationship anniversaries?

9 comments posted: Thursday, April 30th, 2026

Rollercoaster

The first D-Day anniversary is coming up, and I feel worse than I have in a long time. For a while, I really thought we had a genuine shot at reconciliation. And then the next moment, I’m thinking about separating.

My WH has *so* many issues to work through - none of his relationships have ever really worked out, whether with partners, his daughter, or anyone else. I know he’s putting in serious effort with his therapist to unpack his childhood stuff. But sometimes I feel like I’m sitting in a tiny nutshell in the middle of a huge ocean. He’s trying, his remorse is real, he’s doing everything he can to make me feel safe. And still, I’m completely drained.

Life keeps throwing things at us (that’s just how it is, nothing you can do about it), but they keep leading to conversations that take *so* much out of me. I’m trying to keep it together, keep doing well at work, keep my life going. But last night I had a full-on breakdown and couldn’t stop crying. It felt just like right after D-Day.

I’ve been in therapy myself since then, and it’s helping. But I’m worried because I feel like I can’t handle anything anymore - I’m really fragile, exhausted, and just have no energy left. I used to be a very energetic, outgoing person. Now I feel like a complete wreck.

Has anyone else been through this?

12 comments posted: Friday, April 17th, 2026

A matter of transparency

DD was 9 months ago. My WH is in IC and is working hard and seriously on his issues. His behavior toward me has changed significantly — he is supportive, attentive, and empathetic. We are working towards R.

But: although he says that for the first time in our relationship there are no secrets left and that he experiences this as a great relief, he has a panicked fear that I might get in touch with his AP’s BS or obtain more detailed information about the A in some other way.

In particular, this is about a chat that he deleted completely immediately after the A was discovered (and before I could read any of it), but he doesn’t know whether it still exists on his AP’s side. He says he is afraid that being confronted with the details of the A could undo all our efforts toward R. He hopes (expects?) that I would refuse to look at this chat (or any other deeper information about the A) if I were to gain access to it unexpectedly.

It is quite possible that I actually would refuse, in order to protect myself and avoid retraumatization. But that depends, among other things, simply on the timing. And in any case, it would be MY decision.

(Context: There has been no contact with either of the two since DD; BS advised us both explicitely not to approach him, so unless one day BS changes his mind this is all rather hypothetical.)

Still, my WH's panic gives me an uneasy feeling. If truly everything were out in the open, then he could be more at ease, couldn’t he? WS perspective highly appreciated.

11 comments posted: Sunday, February 22nd, 2026

Friends

Somehow, I'm missing a search function here, or maybe I just haven't found it? I am sure this topic must have been discussed before but anyway:

What's bothering me is the issue of mutual friends. Since we were both already 50+ when we started our relationship, we each had our own friends. We had a large circle of mutual acquaintances, but no couples who were close to us both. That has changed over the years we've been together — I've invited people over, made new friends, connected people, so that a small community has formed around us.

In our current situation, I observe very different patterns: some of our mutual friends refuse to ever have contact with my WH again because they morally disapprove of his behavior so strongly — even if we were to reconcile. If I want to keep in touch with them, it will definitely be without him.

Others got back in touch with him very early on, but haven't spoken a single word to me since the whole incident for reasons only they now.

And then, fortunately, there are those who respect the ambivalence of the situation, i.e. any decision I may take, and who will openly approach him again.

But it makes me sad to know that, either way, very few friends will remain, especially since we both have very little family. At almost 60, I don't find it easy to start all over again when it comes to friendships. I'm angry with him because he ruined that too.

What experiences have you had and how did you deal with them?

8 comments posted: Thursday, January 15th, 2026

Trapped in a thought loop

I have never really shared my story here, but I have benefited greatly from reading yours.

Seven months ago, I discovered that my husband had been having an affair for three years. We have both been in IC ever since. He has a long history of failed relationships — ours is his fourth marriage (my second; my first also ended due to infidelity). He has ended the affair and has no further contact with the OW. He is working very hard on his issues and doesn't take it easy on himself, which is the only reason I'm still here. We are both in our late 50s, and I feel that this is a bit of a turning point for him. He knows that he is now deciding how the rest of his life will unfold — whether it will be a repetition of the same old pattern or whether he will manage to commit to a deep, genuine relationship.

I still struggle every day with the consequences of this trauma; phases of confidence are followed by phases of great anxiety and mistrust. But what haunts me most is that his affair had been going on for about six months when he proposed to me. Instead of ending it then, everything continued — before, during, and after our wedding. The OW is also married, so from his point of view, our wedding created a kind of "equal footing." Both of them probably found it a relief that neither of them had any further demands on the other.

I am tormented by the thought that our marriage is based on a lie, that he lied at the altar. (He, on the other hand, says over and over again that his love was real and so was and still is his desire to grow old with me.) I no longer wear my ring and have tried to have the marriage annulled, but the deadline for that had already passed.

Although I would like to try to reconcile, as long as he seriously works on his issues and on the condition that I can also heal in this relationship, it torments me that he practically tricked me into marriage and also that I now bear his name. He rejects the possibility of getting a divorce and still working on our reconciliation.

Strictly rationally, my position is probably not understandable, since we are not separating and because it has financial implications. But it just feels so incredibly wrong.

Would love to hear your thoughts.

20 comments posted: Thursday, December 18th, 2025