A lot has happened since I first posted a few weeks ago. My H called his employer and filed a report against the OW and now they’ve escalated the case to EEOC. I feel good about that. But I also feel uneasy because I feel like our case has a lot of elements that don’t quite fit in the typical affair scenario and I doubt myself a lot as to whether my rationale is solid or if I’m just lying to myself. I hate doubt. I have a lot of it. I feel like I always have had tons of doubt and that it goes all the way back to our wedding day 25.5 years ago. I just wasn’t ready to get married and probably never will be. My mom was the one that decided we’d been dating long enough. I have this really overbearing mother that ran my life before. Then I got this husband and I ran his. Only I didn’t want to but he never took initiative or made his own choices either. We were just these kids letting other people tell us what to do. That’s why when he first told me about the affair I immediately knew that he had nothing to do with it. He wasn’t the type to make any kind of decisions, especially not something of that magnitude. I knew he’d been duped and it made me so freaking angry because he is such a pushover letting overbearing women push him around. Maybe I’m the only one that sees it like this and maybe I’m wrong.
My husband isn’t weak. He protected me from this OW for as long as he could while she was threatening him and blackmailing him and stalking him for three years. I have no problem believing that women do this. I’ve met plenty of women that think they can do whatever they want to get what they want. It makes me mad that he wouldn’t call her out for the manipulative person she was. That he believed her lies and her seduction and then was too afraid of her threats for far too long. That he could be swept away by a witches brew. It’s so obvious to me how these trampy women operate.
I guess I’m still blaming myself because I married the sweet dope in the first place. I knew he was dumb. I got tired of always being the brains, making all the decisions. In some ways I’m really proud of him that he finally found his way out of that prison all by himself and he did try to leave me out of it. But I fear that my constantly condescending attitude is very damaging and might have contributed to his low self esteem that allowed him to fall prey to flattery and lies.
He was very physically ill only you couldn’t see it from the outside and he was so used to the brain fog and daily discomfort and depression that it had become our normal and it was so awful . I’m grateful everyday that we realized he is celiac. He is trying everyday to make up for all the time and energy we lost before..
I told him I want a post-nuptial agreement and he agreed. I’ve told him I want a very detailed financial budget. Something I’ve wanted for 25 years. That I want to put my financial fears to rest once and for all. And he contacted a few financial planners yesterday and some lawyers for the post-nup. I’m feeling pretty good. He’s definitely doing new things that I’ve wanted for many years. So I’m feeling hopeful for now.
I don’t want to be the type of woman that uses my husband for financial stability. I don’t want to be in the same category as an adulteress that would repeatedly prey on married men and threaten them for money. Sometimes it’s really horrible to be in this vulnerable position where you devoted your entire life to raising children and you have no financial security whatsoever. It’s a tough place to be but I’m lucky because my husband loves me dearly and he’s willing to give me everything so that I would feel secure. Only what if it doesn’t work?
[This message edited by 123199 at 11:16 PM, Friday, May 23rd]
If nothing else, this teaches me that I can’t judge anyone. You never really know what people are going through. What they feel or what they’ve been through. Maybe not even your own spouse. I hope this makes me more compassionate.
