SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So STBWX is getting surgery tomorrow to remove a melanoma from his scalp. The initial biopsy indicates that it might not be too advanced, but they'll know more after the surgery lab results. He hasn't told me anything about the surgery logistics - which hospital, who's driving him, who will help with aftercare. I'm guessing it'll either be his mother or his new girlfriend.

I am ... weirdly numb about it all? I don't know if it's because he and I have only texted about it so far, or if my protective walls are too thick. I feel bad for him, but honestly, I'm also relieved that I'm no longer in a position where I have to worry about his health or take care of him. I feel like I should care more - he's still the guy I was with for 30+ years and the father of my child - but the feeling of concern just isn't there. Is that terrible of me??

Not terrible at all.

You don’t wish him harm BUT you are no longer responsible for him.

I think your feelings are perfectly normal.

And in the future you won’t need to know anything about him. Period.

I hope this gives you some peace that you don’t have to deal with him anymore. Whether things are good or bad.

I totally second what The1stWife just said.

I had similar feelings about my estranged brother after he suffered a devastating stroke and I knew there was nothing we could have done for him anyway besides prayer. But where to draw the line, especially if somebody else in the family tries the guilt tripping. If you haven't heard anything further, consider that a clear signal you need not ask a lot of questions.

Short answer: nope.

Long answer: nope, not all. He burned down the marriage, broke the bonds, and the greatest thing about divorce is that his problems are no longer your circus.

Enjoy that feeling of relief!

My x had to have both knees replaced after the divorce and burnt out a few of his sidepieces when he had to move out of his third floor walkup and into their space for his healing time.

I was SO HAPPY to not have to even think about looking after the broken old geezer.

Onward.

FF

[This message edited by FaithFool at 1:15 AM, Friday, May 22nd]

Thanks, everyone. Good to know that I'm not turning cold-hearted and that I'm not alone in having these feelings!

I second guess my feelings a lot, especially after *waves at all the affair and post-dday stuff*, which isn't something I used to. I used to have so much confidence that I was making the right choices in life.

This is what gets me.

We, as the betrayed, often carry more guilt than the cheater.

We doubt ourselves. We question ourselves. We often are still trying to be the better person (after a D) for a person who betrayed us.

I think as I get older I just want to be as drama free as possible. And that includes avoiding family drama and situations I don’t want to be in due to chaos and nonsense.

To you NoThanksForTheMemories, you have earned your freedom. He’s not your enemy or friend. He’s just someone you once knew who made poor choices and forced an ending to the relationship.

I think as I get older I just want to be as drama free as possible. And that includes avoiding family drama and situations I don’t want to be in due to chaos and nonsense.

THIS ^^^ exactly.

After all we've been put through by these idiots, serenity and peace of mind are the biggest gifts we can give ourselves.

I'm fortunate to have landed in a good situation (great job, fabulous heritage rental with sweet landlords, younger friends who have agreed to being my executors, etc.), but beyond good luck, I spent a *lot* of my healing time dreaming, manifesting, and inviting these things into my life. I know things can change on a dime, but I feel reasonably prepared for whatever comes next, mentally, physically, financially, and I know that it can't possibly be worse than what I endured getting out of infidelity.

And to think I was so terrified of being alone in my senior years. It's just pure bliss to answer to nobody but myself, and I'm fucking awesome!

FF I wouldn't begin to quantify anyone's misery in their former Marriage, but based on your NB posts as above, you may be the Happiest Healed Divorced Single SI'er! (Although I bet you don't "see" yourself with labels.) But you do show others the way, and may we achieve that same feeling!

OMG, no it's not terrible at all, in fact, I think it's a strong sign of your mental health and stability. I don't know your history but I assume this man did you wrong, probably a lot of wrong, and took off for "grass is greener". Well THIS is the "grass is greener". Part of staying in a long term marriage is taking care of each other, my husband and I have each had to deal with cancer with each other. We both have other conditions, I'm worse than he is. You can't take care of everyone, and you can't CARE deeply about everyone, we all have a certain reservoir of how much energy we can give, even emotionally, to anyone. I might feel deeply about something in an instant, even about killing an insect that maybe I didn't have to....but I'm not going to ponder about it excessively. It sounds like your feelings are very balances - reserve your love, care, interest and emotion for yourself, your kids, those who have earned and return your love, and I think your basic sympathy for anyone with some type of cancer is enough. He doesn't need anymore. Let the GF and dear old Mom take care him. He's their problem. YAY FOR YOU!!!