SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. I'm very grateful for this platform. Here's my sad tale of woe. Any useful insights would be much appreciated. My wife and I have been married for 35 years. We married young (21) and 10 years into our marriage she had an affair with my best friend. At the time, we were involved in some rather unusual activities with him and his wife (I guess it was close to swinging - don't judge, we were young and stupid). Partly for this reason - blurred boundaries - but also because I loved my wife madly and we had two young kids, I made the decision to reconcile. And it worked. I had a plan. I told no one except a therapist, because I knew that would put strain on our relationship down the line, and I told myself it was only sex. Was that reason enough to ruin an otherwise happy union. In fact, in a weird way, her infidelity helped me to overcome some of my own issues with self esteem, trust, etc. I know it's strange, but once I got over the initial hurt, I felt pretty liberated - after all the worst that could have happened had happened, and we worked through it. Now comes the odd part. Fast forward 20+ years, and I've had a series of dreams in which people tell me my wife has been flirting or sleeping with other men. I wake up hurt all over and I find it difficult to relate to her for a day or two. It's unfair on her, because she knows something is off, but I feel stupid telling her. Also, these dreams have awakened in me suspicions from long ago about a few other moments, where I am now fairly sure there were 'things' going on. For example, before the affair, I was recovering from an operation and she and a friend went to a club that we often frequented together. She had always been a little flirty with the barman, but it was all in fun. They never came home until 6am the next day. I couldn't reach her on her mobile phone. And I eventually went looking for them and passed them on their way home. I was so angry about being ghosted that I never considered that anything else could have happened - until now. She always said they sat around drinking and chatting with some people int he club and lost track of time. I'm no longer sure that's the case. There are a few other similar stories over the years - all before the affair. And now, despite my best efforts, I'm angry all the time. Still not even about the actual affair, but at what else she could have kept from me all these years. I know if I ask her, she'll deny everything. So I keep it bottled up and try to push it down. It's no way to conduct a relationship, I know. But I still love her and I still want to grow old with her. Am I being stupid? Any thoughts on a constructive way to deal with this? If I really love her and am committed to our reconciliation, should I find a way of putting keeping the distant past in the distant past? Thanks for humouring me.

Where there's smoke ...

Your gut is SCREAMING at you!

Honestly I think those dreams are not to be overlooked.

I woke up one random morning from a dream that was so real. The dream was my H was going to tell me he wanted a D on a very specific date.

We were not fighting and had no marital issues. So this dream was out of the blue. I never told him the dream. But he came home on X date and admitted he had been with the OW that night (at a bar) but "it was nothing" which was a lie.

Turns out on X date he says he wants a D. Out of the blue. Turns out his midlife crisis affair was very real and he was kicking me to the curb for the OW.

He never knew about that dream. But I was prepared for the "I want a D" drama that ensued.

Trust your gut. At a minimum your wife has been shady and now you are no longer believing her lies. And it causing problems for you because NOW you know what she is capable of.

So sorry for you. She may not ever admit the truth but you no longer believe her lies.

I don’t think it’s as simple as "where there’s smoke . . ." but I agree with 1stWife that you should pay attention to the fact that your gut is trying to tell you something. Something is off or unresolved in your relationship. It could be the deep infection of rugsweeping or lies from the past coming to the surface, or it could be that something is off right now. There’s no easy way to approach things, especially if you feel your spouse isn’t honest, but I would use it as a nudge to observe her carefully and quietly, and pay attention to your own feelings and thoughts.

Does your W know how much of an impact her sex with your best friend was? Did it have much more impact than you thought it did 25 years ago?

Especially if you didn't talk a lot with your W way back when, IMO your best bet is to start talking now. You've got questions about her behavior, so I don't see how you can satisfy yourself without talking with her.

I'm really sorry this has come back to haunt you. This thread may help: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/660527/for-those-who-found-out-years-later-part-2/. The thread includes posts by members like you, who get delayed symptoms, and members who recently found out about long ago As.

I think that any BS who has worked to keep your marriage going in R has a right to ask any questions of the WS, even after 20+ years. There's no statute of limitations on affair questions and knowledge.

It may seem odd to your spouse to bring this up now, and I know that it's very hard to start this type of conversation now. I'm also 20+ years out, and I very much hesitate to mention affair-related stuff to my spouse.. But I don't see much value in keeping this to yourself, since it's clearly gnawing at you. Plus, you have a natural, simple conversation starter to help you get going on this conversation - just mention that you had these recent dreams, provide the details, and based on that, you want to follow up on your prior suspicions.

One thing to consider is what you'll do with the response. If she says no - nothing happened, will you let it go and try to move along, hoping that your suspicions will be allayed? If she says yes, there were prior affairs, then how does your perspective of your marriage and reconciliation change?