SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I am 4 weeks out from d day. To say I’m a mess is putting it politely. The last few weeks have been a constant drip of information, as and when WH feels like telling me more. It’s also been weeks of him blaming me for his life failures. For him running around with the AP and basically raising her kids instead of his own for a couple of years.
He goes from telling me how much he hated me and wanted to hurt me to how much he hated every minute of the deception. How he’s tried for years to make it up to me. Even though I didn’t know. He wants to separate but co habit. He wants to move out and divorce.
Then he flips to it being my fault all over because she got him and I didn’t.
He goes for a few days being helpful, cooking and giving me space. Then he goes on the attack again with me being to blame.
I am exhausted. I just want some peace. Some space for me to process. I don’t want to be near him but it hurts because I love him and the future I see, us apart and me not seeing my girls everyday breaks me. I guess I came here to not feel so alone. I know they aren’t together now and I know it’s been over for years. But I can’t believe this was the last one. People like this don’t stop and I wonder when the lies will stop. We went to MC and in my session the therapist identified he’s a narcissist straight off and is very supportive but after years of this I even feel she could be playing me. It gets easier right?

He's trying to blame you because he knows it's all his fault. Deflecting some of the blame is just an attempt to make himself feel better. Very typical

The roller coaster will continue for a while but stand your ground and be strong. Remind him that he could have left at any time but chose to stay. Remind him he can still do so. Saying this will help restore your power balance.

Way too early for for the MC. He needs to figure out and fix what is broken in him before the two of you can try to fix your marriage.

Tell him the mental abuse stops right now. Any more of it and you will ask for a temporary restraining order.

The first several months are the roughest. Come here when you need support

Read about narcissists. This is who they are. My college interest was personality disorders. When you describe people you can say, she has the happiest personality, or he always gets his way or he gives me the silent treatment, or he is just as kind behind closed doors as in front of them. You are defining personality traits. So a narcissist is always the center of attention. They make sure their needs and wants more important than yours. This is a narcissist poem.
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Don’t try to live with, or love, a narcissist. You would be better off beating your head against a brick wall.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are also some that have bull's eye icons that aren't pinned but should be near the top because I bumped them yesterday, and they are also really good resources. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has some great resources.

My suggestion is you get an individual counsellor (IC) who is trauma-informed, also known as a betrayal trauma specialist. Infidelity is trauma, and so is narcissistic abuse. Dr. Ramani has some really good videos on YouTube about narcissists and narcissistic abuse. I found them very helpful. Unfortunately, if your WH has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), he's not going to change. He may mirror and show you the behavior he thinks you want to see and then slowly go back to the abuse. The abuse eats away your soul. My XWH is diagnosed with NPD, and I stayed with him way too long.

If you are having issues with anxiety, depression, or sleep, please see your doctor for some meds to help you short term. Doesn't mean you'll need to be on them forever, but they can be helpful in the beginning.

Sit down and think about what you really want. Do you want your daughters to learn that how your WH treats you is acceptable behavior from their partner? Ask him to move out for a while so you can get some peace. Read on the 180 and implement it. The 180 isn't meant as punishment, but it helps give you space to get emotional distance so you can think more clearly.

Welcome to our little club Surviving Infidelity. I’m sorry you had to find us but you will get great advice and support here.

I’d like to give you a few suggestions.

The first 6 months after finding out about the affair are the hardest. You can’t eat or sleep or think straight, cry often and have difficulty functioning day to day. Please know it does get better.

Professional counseling can help you through this. Remember you have suffered a trauma and it is a slow healing process.

Your CH is acting like a typical cheater. He is blaming you (not himself) for cheating. He’s blaming you (not himself) for his unhappiness. He’s blaming you for everything he doesn’t like about himself, his life etc.

And he’s using that as a reason to cheat. That’s his "excuse". His irrational logic is if YOU were perfect he would not have cheated.

Well guess what - he’s no prize and yet YOU did not cheat.

You have to stop listening to his nonsense snd trying to make sense of it all. It will drive you crazy trying to make sense of his feelings.

My H did the same thing to me during his affair. Blamed me for his unhappiness with his career, his life, etc. He even said the most ridiculous things to try to blame me for his unhappiness with his "terrible life". At one point I just laughed in his face because he was so ridiculous.

It might be helpful to read up on the 180 in the Healing Library here at SI. You do not have to subject yourself to his rants or tirades. You can just leave the room.

The 180 can help you set boundaries with the CH (cheating husband). Even if the affair is over for some time, you just learned of it if I read your post correctly.

Be kind to yourself. Don’t let him deliver another rant without recognizing (at least to yourself) that he’s talking out of both sides of his mouth. He’s a common garden variety cheater who is nothing special whose only concern is blaming everyone else for his unhappiness.

He didn’t need to cheat. He could have gotten professional help/advice, addressed his issues, talked with you, etc.

I hope this helps you.

Thanks everyone. It’s so intense at the moment and I feel physically unwell so it is good to know it’s normal.
I don’t think I can move past this by staying with him. His presence exacerbates all my emotions but I can’t show those for fear he will get a kick from them.
I’m hoping to use the therapy session to my advantage later. See if I can’t accelerate his departure. So glad I found this forum.

When you wrote that he would get enjoyment out of your pain you just described a person you need to leave as safely as you can.

He is never going to let you be right or be happy. This forum is about surviving infidelity but you are describing someone whose ability to be kind seems to be missing. That is enough reason to think about separating. I try to stay neutral but instances like this do not seem R is going to happen.

Hey there romans12, welcome to the greatest club no one ever wanted to join.

Your situation, unfortunately, is common enough. Your WH has likely rewritten the history of your marriage and life together in order to justify infidelity. He blames you because he can't, or won't, admit to himself that he always has his own choices to make.

His affair is 100% on him. Remind him from time to time. When he spews whatever bullshit about which he's convinced himself, ask him how that justifies his choices to lie, deceive, cheat, and... well, generally assholery.

For most people, surviving infidelity is the most difficult and challenging period of our lives. You will recover and heal. You will. It's takes time, of course. A long time. It also requires a lot of self-care.

The 180 is designed to help you detach from your WS and find the strength and courage to find the best path moving forward.

Most importantly, take care of yourself. As previously mentioned, it takes most of us several months to recover from the shock of it all. Can't eat, sleep, think, feel or function as a normal human being. It's to be expected, as "normal" as normal can possibly be while surviving infidelity.

It does get better. You will recover and heal.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 6:43 PM, Monday, July 21st]