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Twelve months after D-Day, I was feeling hopeful. I was sleeping through the night again and finally starting to feel more like myself. My WH was loving, open, transparent, supportive, and compassionate. I could see how seriously he was taking his own recovery and the work he needed to do. I was beginning to believe we actually had a chance, even though I knew we still had a long road ahead.

Then, within just a few weeks, everything completely flipped upside down, and now I'm seriously thinking about leaving.

What happened?

We had an argument where he said things that made me feel like he was distancing himself from everything positive he'd been doing over the past year. At a friend's party, he'd stayed by my side all evening without me asking him to. But during the argument, he threw it back at me by saying, "I spent the whole night following you around." The way he said it made it sound like I'd had him on a leash, dragging him around to humiliate him.

That fight started a downward spiral. He said things like, "So am I supposed to spend the next 20 years in jail?" (even though I've always told him I don't want to spend my life policing him because that's no foundation for a relationship). Or, "I guess I have to erase who I am completely before you'll ever be happy," when I tried to explain how certain behaviors affect me.

I just can't reconcile these two versions of him: the man I saw during those first twelve months, and this complete 180 over the last two weeks.

The pattern between us is always the same. My internal alarm system gets triggered, for example, because he decided not to tell me something right away. He feels controlled. I try to explain what I'm feeling. What he hears is that he can never do anything right, and he responds with irritation or even anger. I end up feeling alone with my pain, while he feels trapped. No matter what happens, we both end up feeling completely alone. We barely speak or touch anymore.

His IC is currently on hold at his therapist's recommendation because they're planning to transition him into a group therapy program starting in September. We've talked about restarting couples therapy, but the earliest appointment we can get isn't until mid-August.

I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to make it until then.

I am feeling so drained that I don't even have the emotional capacity to deal with the smallest conflicts anymore (although I am still in IC). This has set me back so much, especially after all the progress we'd made together.

I keep reading here that R is a roller coaster, but this feels so much deeper than just another low point. Right now, I honestly don't know if we're going to be able to find our way out of this valley.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Is this really the kind of setback one must expect...?

While R is not linear — this isn’t a good setback.

Making you feel safe is part of his jail sentence?

And the dreaded throwing it back on you to be all healed up now, so he doesn’t ever have to feel bad for his choices again, is not cool.

In ANY relationship, your partner should care how you feel.

My wife gets to be herself while making sure I’m feeling safe at the same time, and it isn’t a stress for her, she is happy showing she can protect us without being miserable about it.

Let go of the outcome, you don’t WANT someone feeling trapped (you or your spouse).

I’d remind him of where the front door is, because you’d hate for him to feel bad about having to hang out with you at a social event.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:43 PM, Thursday, July 16th]

Oldwounds,

I believe that he does not mean what he is saying - at least not word by word. It is a kind of defensiveness that shows whenever he gets overwhelmed. I can see that and at the same time I am not willing to take that as an excuse.

If he engages in drama he is not centered.

Getting you caught in it only generates more chaos.

Is disregulation and you say he is overwhelmed.
Question, do you know what is overwhelming him or he does not disclose with you that emotional side?

7m46s —

I believe that he does not mean what he is saying - at least not word by word.

I can only go off of your post — however he meant it, it wasn’t kind or supportive or even remotely understanding the damage HE caused.

Feeling unhappy to be near you at a party versus enjoying your company is at best, a rude comment in ANY relationship, much less one trying to recover.

R is hard enough without needing to remind your WS of why it is important to make you feel safe.

I’m agreeing with you, it would feel like a setback to me if my wife said anything like what your WH said to you.

He has to take the lead on wanting to be better and do better, you’re right to not want to police him.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 7:43 PM, Thursday, July 16th]

7m46s, I'm very sorry you're going through this shit. I'm sure it's painful, confusing and flat out exasperating. I feel ya, sista.

I'm generalizing a bit here so please keep that in mind. Although it's probably more nurture than nature, most men don't have much emotional intelligence. We're simply not taught about it. I know I wasn't. Your average walnut had greater EQ than I did.

Surviving infidelity changed that for me. SI changed that. Wanting to learn changed that.

Your WH is throwing himself a good Ole fashioned pity party. Declining to attend is a good move on your part. In more colorful jargon: "fuck that noise! I'm outtie!"

The pattern between us is always the same.

Humans are hardwired to establish relationship dynamics. We do this with just about every relationship we have in our lives - parents, children, relatives, friends, neighbors, coworkers, bosses, etc. It's how we learn to navigate through life.

Changing those dynamics, those patterns, begins with making changes in ourselves and how we choose to react in the relationships we have.

Look up "The Let Them" theory for the latest thoughts on changing interpersonal relationship dynamics. It's pretty good.

The next time he throws himself a pity party, or says some dumbass shit like: "I guess I have to erase who I am completely before you'll ever be happy," walk away. Disengage. Let him sit with it for a while. Then go and do something nice for yourself.

The best advice I ever received on SI was to step back and detach from my WS, watch and observe what he does with the opportunity you've given to him, focus on you, your recovery and healing.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 8:31 PM, Thursday, July 16th]

Yes, 12 months out, I had had some major big set backs. Though, I hadn't really committed to "I'm staying" at that point. Honestly, it took me a bit longer to feel like it might be ok....and it wasn't something that was 100%...even now. My committment was to "working on it". I was going to work on it until our only child turned 18 (3 yrs post DDay). I figured, if we couldn't make it work by then, at least I'd given it a shot.

Some of those set backs were him sliding into old patterns of taking for granted that I would be ok with old patterns. Marriage 2.0 and Ladybug....isn't down for that. And, I gently let him know. That wasn't going to work for me....and that those occurrences, if they were how he REALLY felt, didn't make me want to do the hard work. He knew that it would be much easier for both of us to divorce....particularly me. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. I tried to make that clear in a way that wasn't attacking.

That being said, it was a learning curve for us both.

I really like the idea Brene Brown explains about showing up for your partner not being 50/50, but 100/100. There are days I have 20 and he needs to pull the other 80. There are days he needs more from me. Those first few years were A LOT of that....him having to take the bulk of being supportive to me to help me feel safe, to rebuild trust, to show me how he was different. But, he couldn't do 100 all of the time. I don't think anyone can.

Time will tell. And, you can tap out at anytime if he proves not to be the partner you need.

I will say that we are in such a better place now, but it was us both pulling together.....and time. In that first year, I almost couldn't trust the efforts he was making. It took a long time for me to trust that what he was doing was real and not gaslighting me as he was during the A. I did a lot of trusting but verifying. I no longer put his explanation over my gut.

Thanks for your thoughts!

It's true, I used to have a lot more emotional distance than I do now. I think I even told my WH at one point that I could feel myself letting him back in more, and that it actually scared me a little. Maybe I really do need to get better at staying grounded in myself again.

BftS, during those "good months" after D-Day, there actually was a time when he got really angry because he was overwhelmed. But then he realized on his own that the anger was covering up a completely different emotion. He even told me that back then. These days, though, it feels like he doesn't have access to that anymore.

My guess is that underneath the anger and the hurtful things he says are feelings like shame, helplessness, and most of all sadness. But he won’t actually tell me what it is that he's feeling.

We had an argument where he said things…

Was the argument about the things he said? Was the argument about something else, and then those things came up? Which means he was bringing them up as an argument tactic?