SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out via a horrible way (through my son getting a message) that my H of 25 years has been having an on again off again affair with someone I know for 5 years. You could have knocked me over with a feather when he admitted it and only admitted it because my son told him too or he would tell me. I feel terrible he was dragged into this he’s a young adult and doesnt need that kind of insight. I don’t think I can get over this to be honest it’s only early days but it’s a significant betrayal to comprehend !!

[This message edited by Barndioota at 4:16 PM, Saturday, May 24th]

So sorry you had to find this place. I know what you're going through. D day was about 6 weeks ago for me. Our son knows about it, too, and he's also a young adult at 26. I was... am so humiliated. Our 27th anniversary is less than 2 weeks away. I don't have much in the way of advice, but wanted to say something and let you know you're not alone. I know your whole world has just been shattered. This isn't your fault. It's all on him. Don't let him or any thoughts tell you otherwise. You didn't do anything wrong, you didn't cause him to make his crappy choice.

Some others will be along soon with some questions and advice for you. Just hang in there, and know that this isn't anything to do with anything you did or didn't do. He's responsible for his actions. Don't let him make excuses or blame you. I'm so sorry for the pain you're in right now. 2 days isn't long ago, so I know it's still really fresh.

Thank you for the kind words, it’s been bloody hard the last two days . Not ready to share the information with anyone at the moment as I’m still processing this mess . my poor son, he’s only 18 and working away at the moment and has been pretty upset as he has 2 younger sisters he is concerned about just adds more layers to an already awful situation .
Your anniversary will be a tough time I hope you also have the support you need to get through and I am also sorry to hear of your sadness and pain !

Welcome to SI and sorry that infidelity has become a part of your life, and sorry that your son found out the way he did. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some unpinned posts with bull's eye icons that are good, too. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a bunch of excellent resources.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful. Infidelity is trauma and your body and emotions can go haywire for a while. Please get tested for STDs/STIs, as there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer and kill you. If you're having trouble with depression or sleep, discuss with your doctor. Meds can be helpful to get you through the rough spots.

If the AP (affair partner) has a partner, please inform them so they can base their life decisions on the truth. Wouldn't you have liked somebody to let you know rather than finding out the way you did? It's the right thing to do.

You may wish to visit a barrister or several to see what D (divorce) would look like in your situation. It doesn't mean that you need to D, but it will give you knowledge.

While you're processing what has happened, you may want to evaluate what you want. Unfortunately, you won't be able to get your old life back. We're here to help you get out of infidelity, whether that's R (reconciliation) or D.

Your WH should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Your WH should be in IC to work on becoming a safe partner.

I know you're in shock, and I know life looks pretty bleak right now. I'm writing to say that you're stronger and more resilient than you think you are and that you can survive and thrive after infidelity.

Take care of yourself physically - straight water (not just coffee, tea, soda, or alcohol), exercise, and give yourself a lot of leeway with eating (some of us don't eat; some overeat) and sleeping (sleep comes very hard after d-day).

Let your feelings flow. You may find yourself holding 2 contradictory thoughts almost at the same time. Know that it's normal to jump back and forth and back again. Know that it's normal for your feelings to move quickly and never settle down. Have faith in yourself - virtually all of us eventually settle down, but it will take longer than you think it should. But human beings can heal, if they get out of their own way.

You don't need to make many decisions for the long term now. I expect you want a quick resolution, but people don't think well when we're in shock. You'll think a lot better in 3 months. I know 3 months seems like an eternity, but it's not - it doesn't take much patience to get through the next 13 weeks. Time flies with no intervention needed.