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Oh my Gemmy,

I am so very sorry. I could talk at length about each of your point. They are all so very valid. But, rather than talk at length....the sum of the matter is this...

SHE IS NOT YET BROKEN.

Will she ever be? Hard to say. But all those points you make clearly communicate to us who are awakened, that she does not get it in her heart. Sure, she is now exposed and in essence cornered. But her heart appears to not yet have been changed.

She is not a good candidate for reconciliation at this point.

To be a good candidate for reconciliation, she needs to see the experience from your point of view and agree with it in truth. That is crucial.

Then, in that position, she need to do actions CONSISTENTLY OVER TIME, to prove she is a new and safe partner.

You may not be one who espouses religion, but just to know my vantagepoint, I look at things through that lense. And in cases like this (knowing the pervasive and all encompassing nature of her betrayal) I can see why Jesus does permit divorce. He is all for reconciliation, but permits divorce for situations where the damage is possibly just too much to overcome....or in situations where the betrayal is ongoing.

That said, all things are possible with God. I pray God wisdom and grace for you Gemmy.

limerickence nailed it I think. This sounds like pretty classic codependent behavior. It resonates well with me because I'm finding out that I also have this problem, trying to fix broke.

I’m not asking you to hate yourself. I’m asking you to face yourself. There’s a massive difference.

So well said. IMO, this is basically the mission statement of the Wayward Side.

I wrote the most heartfelt letter to my past self, then read it to her with tears soaking my shirt collar. I know she listened but I hope she didn't truly hear it because she looked at me with dry eyes and stated "nice letter". My therapist cried when I read it to him, but not a tear from her

Gemmy, she sounds like a narcissist. Not showing a single emotion while you read that is…. at the very least, indicative of extremely deep issues in her. Much as you want to, this is beyond your capability to fix. Imo, only God can transform her. Pray for God to open her eyes and grant her new life — utter transformation. That said, it is categorically not possible for you to fix her, and there’s no guarantee this radical transformation will ever happen. Set a time in your mind whereby this transformation happens, and if not, you put an end to this farce of a marriage.

I know she is good deep deep deep down.

This is probably true. There are few people in this world who are truly unrepentant monsters. There are many more who have very serious problems in how they conduct their lives.

Right now, she is dragging you down with her, and the more kind you are, the more you try to help her be better, the more you're enabling her bad behavior. I did this too - I wanted to be a kind and compassionate spouse. In sickness and health, right? If my spouse has a mental illness, I should help and support their journey back to health.

Unfortunately it doesn't always work that way, especially when it comes to self-destructive behaviors patterns that are deeply established over months or years. Remember the al-anon acronym: DETACH (Don't Even Think About Changing Her/Him) with love. Love doesn't always mean helping. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to step back and stop engaging. Sometimes we have to let people hit rock bottom. If you don't let her go, you're going to keep tumbling down with her, and it's going to keep hurting you because you are cushioning her fall. If you step back, you will heal faster, and in case she ever climbs out of her pit, you'll be in a much better place to receive her.

Sometimes we have to let people hit rock bottom. If you don't let her go, you're going to keep tumbling down with her, and it's going to keep hurting you because you are cushioning her fall. If you step back, you will heal faster, and in case she ever climbs out of her pit, you'll be in a much better place to receive her.

This!

Hell Gemmy, your letter to your past self made me cry, and I don’t know you from Adam! Think about what that means.

I am taking the advise here and really stepping away, not unlovingly but in a way that puts me first. I will no longer be her support when she spirals, I will calmly say this sounds like a good conversation for your therapist.

I have to give her a chance to fail. Thank you all.

I’m sure that is a difficult decision for you. Be strong, take care of yourself and your kids. Observe her, see if she displays effort or if she just gives up. It is not too much to expect that she takes big steps to heal herself and show you meaningful gestures. It doesn’t sound very likely based on her behavior so far, but it is what a good response from her would look like.

Have you gotten her timeline yet?

How are you feeling?

I have to give her a chance to fail.

I don't want to quibble too much here, Gemmy. She's already failed. What you're giving her is a chance to succeed. Reframing our thoughts can have amazing effects.

Fair point that I defiantly need to work on.

Timeline and disclosure is now in August. I have already completed a 22 page impact letter (that may turn into more depending on disclosure).

Fair point that I defiantly need to work on.

Freudian slip?

autocorrect on my phone and poor spelling lol

I was going to defiantly point out the typo but got beat to it!

Gummy, I think you're on the right track. I agree with Unhinged, too. The failure has already happened. You're right now giving her chance to succeed. A chance she doesn't deserve. It's up to her what she does with the opportunity.

ETA "Gummy." Auto correct strikes again! Lol!

[This message edited by Pogre at 10:36 PM, Thursday, July 16th]