SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He’s bullying you with his comments to get you to stay and not make demands like financially or otherwise on him.

Remember — he’s looking out for HIS best interest. And staying with you is easy for him. He can say and do whatever he wants and he expects you won’t say "no!" Or "Hell no!" To him.

Mismee, I hope you're doing okay. I hope you haven't just abandoned this thread and you're taking these replies to heart.

I have a suggestion for you. Go to your profile, click "recent threads," take a little time, go back through the threads you have authored, and read through them. You keep posting new threads with more examples of your husband's absurd behavior and you've been consistently given pretty much the same advice over and over.

As gently as I can, you need to start doing something different or nothing is going to change. There's a pattern developing across your threads and you can see it if you go back through them.

I would love nothing more than to open these forums one day and see a new thread authored by you announcing that you've gotten yourself out of this situation.

Thank you for replying. I have took on all your advice and sat and thought about it all. I know I need to leave the relationship and can see more now that actually I wasn’t the problem. When I say it out loud or think of different things that have happened over the year it makes me feel physically sick.

So this weekend it is as though a switch has been flicked. Normal conversation on Saturday, that was on the front door doorbell, that showed how easy he will manipulate me. I told him I can’t continue like this I’m unhappy etc…

He agreed to leave but told me. That I shouldn’t have asked him back when he lived with AP. That’s it’s unfair I get the house. He still will have to pay my bills- when talking about child support which I reminded him the monies to raise his children. That my life doesn’t really change because I still have everything.

This morning he asked if I really want him to leave I said yes he’s packed a bag and asked why I’m not asking him to stay. Accused me of seeing someone else. Told me it’s okay for me because I will get a partner who will contribute financially and he will always have to contribute here whilst also contribute to who ever he ends up.

So to sum it all up, I’m guessing when he was in affair fantasy he hadn’t considered none of that at all and that was the real reason he came back, which I think a few of you suggested.

When I look at him, well when I can bear to look at him I don’t see the person I loved at all. I don’t think I feel anything apart from disappointment from him.

Oh no, that poor little muffin! He has to contribute money to raise his kids?? Oh gosh, what is this world coming to?

He is just a big man baby that doesn't understand responsibility or adulthood at all!

You haven't done anything wrong here, Mismee. This is all on him. It's entirely fair if you get to keep the house. He's the one who wrecked everything. He's just trying to manipulate and pull on your heart strings on his way out the door. Good for you not falling for it!

He's likely not done yet either, so keep your guard up against anymore guilt tripping or manipulations. You're doing what's best for you and your children right now.

This isn't the new thread I was hoping to see, but I'll take it! Stay strong, Mismee! Keep posting and let us know how you're doing or if you need anyone to talk to.

Missmee, he is a narcissist who wants to know he still matters. He has been manipulating and psychologically abusing you. You need to stop all contact with him and you will start to get more and more clarity and see things properly and not through emotion. The more distance you get, the more of the fog you see him through will disappear. Contact a lawyer, tell them your are going through DV, stop him coming to your house and stay strong when he starts to put up a fight.

You Rock!!

You told him "no" and stood your ground.

You now will consistently see how much of a truly selfish person he is.

Brava Missme! The first step is often the most difficult step.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other - one step at a time, one day at a time until you get to the other side of this quagmire. You will get there!

In the meantime, forgive me - as I jump ahead a bit to point out potential pitfalls in your path - if he takes this separation seriously. Next up - he'll probably guilt trip you about not being able to spend his visits with the kids at YOUR home. AGAIN just like last time. That putting your foot down about his unfettered access to the home is selfish, and harms the kids. Bull****! The goal is to provide peace, consistency and predictability for the kids. Ideally, a routine where he has his place, you have your place and a regular schedule of who-is-where-when provides that. Him traipsing in and out of the house is actually destabilizing IMO.

Remember, there's a pattern to his manipulations. One of his goals is always getting his way about whatever he thinks is best for HIM. Waltzing into YOUR home - a home with a fully stocked fridge, clean laundry for the kids, all their toys and homework, medications, etc. etc. etc. already in place sure makes it easy for him to "spend time with them" doesn't it? Bet easy access to nourishing food and access to doing HIS personal laundry was part of the appeal to those visits (that is assuming you have a clothes washer :-). Bonus for him: wheedling his way into the home breaks down any boundaries you're trying to put in place - to protect yourself - to heal from his abuse, and deprives you of the space needed to figure out and work towards what comes next. Feels like part of the reason you "asked him back" last time was because he wore you down - and he was there so often anyways - that it seemed simpler to just give in.

Since there's a pattern to his manipulations and you know what's coming, be proactive. Go grey rock with him - minimize contact. Individual counseling could be a great resource during this time. IC could help you sort through options, help to identify and reinforce boundaries, and help to identify ways he repeatedly pushes your buttons to get the results he wants. A therapist trained in DV family dynamics and trauma recovery would be ideal.

We're rooting for you!

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:43 AM, Wednesday, September 30th]

Nothing really to update but a little update, so he booked a hotel but didn’t stay. I refused to let him sleep in the same bed so he’s stayed downstairs. It’s been nothing but bickering every time we speak. Mainly because I won’t give in I think. He is staying in a hotel from now.

He has said I’m treating him poorly and making him sleep like a dog- which is funny because he told the other woman he was sleeping downstairs for over a year just for the kids.
Ive been accused of cheating or leading him to believe im cheating. He has told me how I need to change for the relationship to work. How he’s had to put up with me for years and I could have made life a whole lot easier then things could have been different. I don’t appreciate him and I don’t appreciate that everything I have is because he’s sacrificed working so I can stay home with the children. And I’ve wanted for nothing. That when he moves on he will be a lot better off than I will. That he finds happiness and I never have and will never be happy.

I don’t think he likes that I’ve not given in to him and is going at all angles to try to get to me. But I’m just not interested!

I’ve realised you just can’t put a price on peace. I know it’s going to be hard and I will struggle financially, but money comes and goes. My sanity won’t! And he will be an absolute nightmare!

Just more absurd behavior, guilt tripping, and heart string pulling. I think he's coming to grips with what his behavior and actions are going to cost him. Him. Not you. That much he doesn't care about or he wouldn't be saying the things you just typed above.

Make no mistake. His comments may poorly be couched in concern for you, but he's focused on himself.

He's no more a good candidate for reconciliation now than he was last year.

Don't fall for it!

You are correct. Everytime he speaks I see how selfish and self centred he is. I just can’t figure out if he was always like this and I’ve been a doormat or he’s had a personality transplant?!

Ugh, I’m sorry. I can’t wait until you get to feel your peace again ! I’m sure you can start to envision your life when he’s gone and trying on the hat of what that really feels like. Sometimes we can drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out why they are the way they are etc, why can’t they do the most basic respectful behavior seeing as they are the ones who blew up their life , not you … but at the end of the day, bring that focus back to yourself. You don’t need to have him figured out , you just need to know that you don’t want to live in this cycle anymore. Proud of you for holding your ground !

or he’s had a personality transplant?!

Could be a personality disorder especially the way he tries to manipulate with cruelty.

I too cannot wait for you to get peace of mind once's he's gone. You will be able to heal and move on to a much healthier and happier life.