SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m a mid-40s father of three, ending a marriage of nearly 20 years after repeated emotional and sexual betrayals. We have been functionally separated under the same roof for a while, which has made healing extremely difficult.

We have agreed to dissolve the marriage, but progress toward separate households has been painfully slow. I expect to remain the children’s primary day-to-day caretaker and keep them in the family home. I understand that preserving that stability is valuable—and probably a gift in the long run—but under these circumstances, it certainly doesn’t feel like I’ve won anything.

My wife is currently overseas visiting the man she considers her boyfriend. I’m home caring for the children and confronting, in real time, how badly I need firm physical separation when she returns.

Honestly, even writing this much is difficult. I read the stories people share here, and it’s hard to imagine sitting down and explaining to strangers just how broken your life has become. I admire those who can speak about it so openly. I’m not ready to tell the complete story yet—and I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for beyond grounded conversation with people who understand this kind of pain without making betrayal their entire identity.

I endured repeated boundary-pushing for most of our marriage, but everything came to a head over the last three years. I did the work to try to repair what we had, but you cannot negotiate desire or interest. She had neither, but also would not leave. So we remained trapped in this prolonged, deeply unhealthy limbo.

I’m in a lot of pain this morning. It has been a difficult journey just reaching this point. Having to put her on FaceTime with our children while knowing she is there with someone else—while I am still technically her husband and still carrying the family responsibilities—fills me with anger and disgust.

So, here I am. I suppose I’m hoping to find a few people who understand.

First off, I am so sorry you find yourself here. As one father of three to another, I can relate to far more of what you've written than I wish I could.

I'm coming up on one year since my own D-Day, after 19 years together and 15 years of marriage. My wife had two affairs, years apart, and we've spent much of the last year living under the same roof in a strange combination of separation and attempted reconciliation. So when you talk about being trapped in that unhealthy limbo, I understand exactly what you mean. There's something particularly cruel about having the person responsible for so much of your pain still occupying the same space where you're desperately trying to find some peace.

What really struck me about your post was the part about not feeling like you've won anything. I think people sometimes confuse keeping the house, maintaining stability for the children, or being the primary parent with somehow coming out ahead. But none of us signed up for this competition, and there certainly isn't a prize worth the price we've paid. You wanted your family, your marriage, and the life you believed you were building together. Having to salvage pieces of that life isn't winning. It's surviving.

I can only imagine the anger and disgust of having to facilitate FaceTime calls between your children and their mother while knowing she's overseas with another man. There's an extraordinary amount of emotional restraint involved in putting your children's needs ahead of your own pain under those circumstances. I hope you give yourself some credit for that, even if it doesn't feel particularly admirable while you're living it.

One thing I've learned over this past year is that you don't owe anyone your entire story. Not here, not anywhere. I've written extensively about my own experiences, partly because putting words to the chaos has helped me make sense of it, but everyone processes this differently. Sometimes simply saying, "I'm hurting, and I could use someone who understands," is more than enough.

And I particularly appreciate what you said about wanting people who understand betrayal without making it their entire identity. That's something I've been wrestling with myself. Betrayal has consumed an enormous part of my life over the last year, but I refuse to let someone else's choices become the defining feature of who I am for the rest of it.

I don't have some magical piece of advice that's going to make tomorrow easier. I haven't even figured all of this out for myself. But I can tell you that you're not alone in what you're feeling, and you don't have to justify the anger, grief, or exhaustion to people who have walked a similar road.

For what it's worth, I don't read your post and see a broken man. I see a father trying to hold his children's world together while his own has been falling apart. Those are two very different things.

Welcome, brother. I wish neither of us had a reason to be here, but I'm glad you reached out.

I appreciate the kind words on a rough day.
I honestly don't need my trauma to be my life. I want to eventually grow and live past it. But 20 years of continued depredations by someone who was supposed to be an equal and loving partner; who continually paid lip service to fidelity but only when it was convenient to her - is rough. This current situation I wanted to avoid; I told her flat out "You have a month to get out of here", a day after she dropped the news of this trip on my head.

Bear in mind:
A) She took the funds from her own income, from the first job she had in 15 years for this, instead of helping with anything around the house.
B) She knew about her trip for nearly 8 months before she told me.
C) She ONLY told me because my necessary business trip (which is mandatory and yearly) coincided with her planned date.
D) She supposedly planned this trip
* After I caught her online affair
* But 'before' she was in a romantic relationship with this guy.

So I said I don't want you here if you're going to see someone else.
She promised she'd try, we saw a mediator, and she to some level DID try. But not hard enough. Finally got a job literally a week before I left for my trip. Too little, too late. Meanwhile she made NUMEROUS promises that she'd keep it on the up and up. Unfortunately one by-product of knowing someone for nearly 20 years straight is you see their tells. She'd "Contact the kids regularly at X time on Y interval." It was literally the MOMENT she landed that went out the window. All the tells were there. The excited looks, the flush cheeks, etc. Everything you know from someone you've lived with on every level for two decades.

So I'm sitting here, constructing a story I know to be mostly true based off my extremely detailed history with her; and knowing that I didn't want this. I TRIED to avoid it. But she drove the situation to be this with a combination of slow walking and deception. Now I'm sitting here twisting in the wind for two weeks (!) while she gallivants around with someone else.

I'm furious.

I'm also deeply hurt by it. Like this is someone who even after all this, played me and played my desire to protect and trust - just to get pleasure that will very likely willingly discard her in the future.

So yeah. I appreciate your words. It sucks being here now, but at least for me, no more. Never again.
She will be moving out VERY soon after she gets back, for everyone's sake.

I know it feels like a heavy, grim task right now, but honestly, the absolute biggest shift ahead of you is realising you simply do not want to be with a woman who is capable of doing these things to you.

​She is not a prize you have lost, pal, she is a massive bullet dodged.
​It feels bloody awful right now while you are stuck holding down the fort while she is abroad, but in the long run, this is no loss at all. Life without someone who treats you with that level of disrespect is going to be infinitely better. Keeping the kids in the house and taking on primary care might feel like a heavy burden today, but it is a proper victory for your future peace and their stability.

​Time really will help get you through the worst of this. Once you get that firm physical separation and stop having to deal with the absurd surrealism of FaceTime calls from her holiday, the fog will start to clear. You sound like a decent, grounded bloke, and down the road, when you are ready, you will meet someone who is actually worthy of you and knows how to treat a partner properly.
​Hang in there, keep taking it one day at a time, and take care of yourself, mate. You have got better days coming.

Thanks. For what it's worth, I know she's not a prize. I have been through my entire cycle of grief. I'm REAAAADY to be done.

But she's an anxious avoidant, so she's dragging everything out to the very last minute.
I've known, myself, that I intend to divorce since March. I made my expectations clear, gave her a due diligence chance for the sake of the family and kids to reconcile; she opted not to. She made it clear, after an hour of mediation, that yes, she did not want to continue the relationship under any circumstance. Fine by me.

The problem is she is frankly, very bad at being responsible. She's sponged off me for an extended period and plays off my sympathies for her past and her plight. I don't want to destroy the kids mother. I want as much as is possible, a healthy co-parenting situation. Especially considering how destructive she's being, it's becoming nigh impossible.

So we're at a point where yeah. I've worked through all the 5 phases and am firmly in acceptance. The awful part is having to deal with this as mentioned 'real time' because she's doing it while I'm still supporting her and we're still technically married.

I find it reprehensible and disgusting behavior, not at all what the person I thought I knew but if I evaluate her behavior without the rose tinted glasses I had on for 19+ years, seems this monster was there all along.

I’m sorry you’re going through this SilentBulwark. Her behavior is appallingly selfish.

You have every right to be both hurt and furious. You seem to be moving in the right direction. I would recommend two things to you:

1) a good therapist, one who specializes in betrayal trauma. It really helped me.

2) learn the 180: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/. Note the embedded link for the FAQs. This is supposed to help you detach emotionally and spare you additional hurst from her.

They now consider that there is a 6th stage of grief: finding meaning. I hope you get there. Perhaps you will find it by helping others on this site, as so many others have. Perhaps you will find meaning in it all some other way.

Regarding your fury. Most posters here will tell you to avoid creating drama. The 180 will help you do that. I suspect that with your WW nothing you say will have the impact you want it to. You can show her all the pain and destruction she’s causing and at best she’ll pretend to care and at worst she’ll argue and lay blame at your feet. Hard as it is, I don’t think in the long run you will regret taking the high road.

Hope you can find some peace brother.

I’m sorry for the situation you are in.

But you need to realize you don’t need her permission or acceptance it really ANYTHING to move forward.

When you are done, you are done and now it’s time to put YOURSELF (and kids) first.

See an attorney and get her out of your home.

Learn your rights and just move forward with D. File the paperwork - you don’t need her permission. Or approval. Or her consent.

Rip the band aid off and you will start to feel better. Like YOU have control over your life.

At dday2 I told my H (very calmly) I was D him. It came down to me (& kids) living in peace w/out wondering if he was cheating (he was). He thought he was still in control of the situation. Except he underestimated me - I was no longer going to be a doormat.

I did the hard 180 and told him he had to leave. He said no - he’s not leaving. In front of him I called a mutual friend and made plans for him to stay there a few days while he found a new residence. He then realized he no longer had any power or decision making ability as far as his life with me & kids.

I hope this helps you to feel as though you can take back control of your life.

Have you seen a lawyer yet? If not, you really need to.

Best wishes,
Nsge

Yeah. I have a pretty good lawyer. Thankfully. She knows the risk, sadly, of trying to play the game. Ours is not a usual situation. She's extremely exposed and knows it. It's only by virtue of my own willingness to not go atomic on her (for the kids sake) that she's managed to stay in this situation as long as she has. That said, it's coming to a close. I can firmly say, with receipts, I cannot mentally manage the stress of her imposing on my life with her situation any further.

So deadlines will sadly be set when she returns. It's going to be difficult for her (and the kids) in that regard, but she's more than made her bed in this situation. She knows that. I've made my own mistakes, fwiw, I'm willing to say. But I never deserved or wanted this level of nightmare visited upon me and my kids.

Furthermore this is a 50/50 state for custody, but not property. She's on the losing end of the stick in both cases.

Thanks though. I'll check out the 180 guide. I'm curious what it has in it that might prove insightful. Right now I'm just kind of being forced to feel things I wanted to not be dealing with ever again (betrayal, lies, cheating, infidelity as a whole) from her. So she's going to come back and we're going straight to "I need a firm date on when you're moving out."