SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My first post. My story is in my bio, but I'll add it here also.

11/4/23 - WS handed me his phone so that I could help with something on it. Email exchange w/AP was on phone screen. WS admitted to 13-year EA w/AP. I told WS to pick just one of us, me or AP, his choice. WS sent AP no contact email and blocked AP from phone and email. Got into counseling.

1/11/24 - AP called our home early one morning. I answered - AP hung up. Caller ID displayed her place of work (small employer). I called AP back and left message for her to call me back or I would call her husband. AP didn't call back, so I followed through and called her husband about EA. He was dumbstruck.

~12/24 - I found SI. Read a LOT - great stuff. WS's story just wasn't all adding up for me, but I had no proof of PA. Challenged WS to take polygraph (thank you SI). Failed polygraph on 1/13/25. Truth came out that it was 13-year PA. Yes, that was 14 months of trickle truth - ouch.

I want to email AP to let her know what I think of her. All I really want is for her to read it, but I wouldn't mind having her shake in her boots a little! (A bit vindictive, I know.) I composed the email months ago and have edited it to where I'm happy with it.

My question for all you wise ones: which option?
A. Don't send the email. Just save it as a draft or discard it.
B. Send the email, asking her for a brief response - just so I know that she read it. Include a deadline for response or I will contact her husband with evidence of PA.
C. Send the email asking for a complete timeline (when, what, where) or I will contact her husband with all that I now know. Include a deadline for response. This is the version to get her shaking in her boots. I don't really want to read her version of the timeline as I already know too much.
D. Option I'm not thinking of.

Thanks all. I sure wish I wasn't here.

Forget about her. Don't let her know she takes up space in your head. She doesn't care what you think of her, and I'm pretty sure she knows anyway.

Just contact her spouse. Don't play games threatening to do so if she does this or doesn't do that. He deserves to know, the end.

This. ^^^^^

Welcome to SI. If you've read here a lot, I won't do the "read the pinned posts in the JFO forum."

I suggest not sending the email. You don't want to put anything in writing that the AP may be able to use against you. You already know they lie and cheat and there's no guarantee that you'll learn anything constructive.

Welcome to SI, sorry you had to find us.

Do not send it, it would be like chasing a rat back to the dump, you will get dirty.

She is sub par and willingly accepted second place. Your H put her there so he should be your focus. She had to hide and sneak around to stay in second place, because they both know YOU will never take seconds.

D. Contact her husband with short but comprehensive information about the PA so he has knowledge and agency. Ignore her completely.

I contacted AP after my husband’s affair (I was already acquainted with her). It wasn’t a horror story, but it did not help me one bit, and it just gave her the opportunity to dig herself deeper into her lies and self delusion. Sometimes people who lie and cheat are self reflective and change, but I’ve never heard a story where contact from their affair partner’s spouse sparked that. Contacting her just makes you vulnerable to a person who had no problem with you being lied to and deceived for over a decade.

Oh man, do I know how you feel. I have a message typed up for my wife's AP. I worked pretty hard to avoid any direct physical threats, but I sure did imply some things. I haven't sent it. Yet. I know where he works, I know where he lives, and I have a pretty good grip on his schedule. I channeled my inner Liam Neesan. I'm still considering sending it, but it's been 6 weeks since d day, and my wife and I are working on R. I know it wouldn't do much as far as any good for either of us, but it'd make me feel better to strike some fear in him.

I'd love nothing more than to break his face and fingers, but it wouldn't do me much good to end up arrested.

I'm going to look through some of the replies here, but I have a feeling the general advice would be to just let it go...

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:41 PM, Saturday, May 24th]

I'd love nothing more than to break his face and fingers, but it wouldn't do me much good to end up arrested.

Yea I totally get this, but you can channel that energy into the gym, running and yelling in the woods but a guy like that isn’t worth it.

I would not send the letter either. It's good to write it. It's therapeutic to get your thoughts out. But sending just gives them a second chance to hurt you, and really isn't going to accomplish much. I would completely ignore her. Thats how I handle my wife's AP. I do my best to completely ignore him going as far as not even using his name when I talk to others about this situation. I refer to him only as the affair partner. He doesn't deserve any more respect than that.

As for her husband, I would let him know for sure. He deserves all the information so he can make informed choices. One of the more irritating things about being a BS is the knowledge that your agency was taken away by lies and deception. We would have made very different choices had we known all the facts.

Telling him also takes most of her power over him away. Once he knows whats really going on, she won't be able to manipulate him like she has been. She isn't going to be able to have her cake and eat it too.